You're A Mean One

Greetings all. Welcome back to this wonderful mess that is my thoughts on the screen. It is December, and the "holiday season" is in full swing. I don't say "holiday season" because I have a problem with saying Christmas, it is just that there are so many holidays in December. Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, my birthday....yeah, I know I am the only one to celebrate that last one, but it is still a holiday to me. So what brings me here today? Is it to talk about how much I hate Lil Wayne? Is it to discuss how awesome the Bob's Boneyard Podcast is? Is it to recommend Human Boom Boxes for Christmas presents? (you know, it's that thing where you put a midget on your shoulder and make him sing gangsta rap) Nay nay...what brings me here is the holiday season...and my hatred for it.

You tell someone that you hate Halloween, the 4th of July, or Arbor Day and no one blinks an eye. You tell them that you don't like Christmas and you may as well have just dropped a Cleveland Steamer on their chest! Let me start by saying that I love giving presents. I love seeing the happiness on people's faces when I give them a gift that they were not expecting. I also enjoy receiving presents..but who doesn't? What I don't like is that Christmas begins as soon as Halloween is over, and doesn't end until the New Year. I have no affinity for the Zombie Jebus, neither baby or adult. I don't like people. There is no qualifying statement there, I just don't like people. And when you put thousands of them in the store at the same time, I am ready to kill them. I also hate twice a year religious people. Easter and Christmas bring out all the fair weather religious nuts. People who could give two shits about any religion during the year feel the need to profess their love for Jebus and how they are upset that his birthday (or so some claim is his birthday) has been turned into a commercial holiday.

What else don't I like, you might ask? I don't like Christmas music. Too much of it seems contrived, especially any made after the 1970s. There are a few select songs that I enjoy; The Twelve Days of Christmas by Bob and Doug McKenzie Watch it Here I also like the theme to The Grinch. Aside from that, they are few and far between. I don't want to hear Christina Aguilera singing anything, let alone butchering Christmas songs. I don't like Holiday movies and television specials either. I don't want to see Menorah the Explorer (very special Chanukah edition), I don't want to see A Fish Called Kwanzaa, I only want the claymation classics. Rudolph, Frosty, Jack Frost, and the like..How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and Charlie Brown's Christmas. These are not acceptable for any reason except they remind me of my youth.

I also don't like decorating anything. My job is to put up the Christmas tree and run the lights. I am not expected to decorate it at all. I like watching the wife and kids decorate because it makes them happy. And them being happy makes me happy. I am not Ebenezer Scrooge, I don't get upset with others for enjoying the Christmas holiday. I also don't need this "season" to tell me to be kind to my fellow man. I am who I am year round. I don't get nicer around the holidays, I don't blow people off for the rest of the year either. If I pass someone on the sidewalk I say hello, or how you doin? If someone is entering a store around the same time as me, I will step aside and hold the door so that they can go first. I don't need the month of December to make me do these things.

Growing up with a birthday that is 10 days before Christmas may have soured me on the holiday because my birthday was always lumped in with it, I don't know. I don't spoil anyone else's holiday by being a curmudgeon, but I just don't like the season. So for all of you that genuinely enjoy Christmas....please continue to do so. For those that take the "good will toward men" thing and forget about it come New Year's Day..knock yourself out. When it is June 22 and I am still asking people how they are, and holding doors for old folks while you are cutting those same elderly off because they are too slow and holding you up....ask yourself, honestly, is it that I have no Christmas spirit? Or do I have it all year long and have no need for the month of December and its forced happiness? Enjoy your holidays, whichever one you celebrate, and until next time....Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

Out of State, Out of Mind

Welcome back everyone. I apologize for my hiatus, but I have been busy with my school work. Today, however, I have reason to write! What is it that could be so important to take me away from my school work? Is it my master plan to Occupy Hip Hop? Is it the overwhelming urge to plug Bob's Boneyard (the greatest podcast in the world today)? Is it that I just found out what actually goes into a Nathan's Hot Dog? Nay nay...

Virginia is very predictable when it comes to government. They want everything to happen on your birthday. That being said, my 40th birthday is next month so I have some things that are due for renewal. One of those things is my driver's license. So yesterday morning at 9:15, I stroll into my local DMV to renew my driver's license. Everyone knows that the DMV is not the happiest place on Earth (that would be Mooby's), but I am prepared for a long wait. I fill out my required paperwork and start the waiting game. My number is B30 and they are on B6. 45 minutes later, they call my number. I felt like screaming Bingo, but I held back. I get to the window,take my eye test, pay my fee, take my picture, and wait for my license. Next thing I know, I am being refunded my fee and told that I am not eligible to renew my license. Based on the results of the National Data Registry, New York AND Connecticut have put a "stop" on my record. I am told that I have to contact the DMV in NY and CT if I want my VA license.

I drive home and get on the phone at 10:30 with the great State of New York's DMV in Albany. The next hour and 20 minutes were spent trying to get a human on the phone to find out what the hell was going on. I finally get an upstate New Yorker on the phone (upstate translates into Southern Canadian). She takes my information and tells me that Connecticut had sent them notice of a DUI conviction in my name in 1994. In order to straighten this mess out and have my name removed from the list, I would have to call Connecticut. So I call Connecticut. 1 hour and 40 minutes before I reach a human this time. CT DMV tells me that there is a Jamie Robinson, same birthday, California license....wait...California? Is this now a fourth state I am going to have to deal with? Nay nay. The kind people of Connecticut removed this mark from my record because I simply told them (in my best Eddie Murphy voice) "Wasn't me." I told them I had never had a CA license, only a NY and VA and all was well.

I am now cleared by Connecticut for whatever it is I was supposed to have done. So I asked them to contact NY, since the problem NY has with me is that CT said I had a DUI! So they said "nay nay, Mr. Robinson." (no they didn't, but it would have been cool). They said no, I had to contact NY myself and tell them that CT cleared me. So I call NY DMV in Albany once again...I get to talk to a human in a record setting 10 minutes this time! My luck is changing, right? Nay nay. I get to talk to Rosalita in Records (the alliteration just made me laugh), and she tells me that I indeed have a DUI notification on my record from the state of CT. She also sees that on the National Data Registry, CT has removed the stop on my record. Sweet, now will Rosalita take the stop off of my NY record too? Nay nay...Rosalita is just the person that tells me what is on my record. In order to plead my case and make any changes, I have to talk to Driver Improvement. Cool, can you connect me? Sure, but they won't be there...they are only open from 8am until noon. So I have to call back again this morning.

I have no moral to this story, no happy ending, just the disgruntled rantings of an old man. I know the DMV has always been a fun place for everyone, so I figured I would share an experience that you all could relate to. Hopefully you never have to deal with Rosalita or her counterparts to get you license renewed....4 states away! Until next time....Stay Salty.

Salty Dog

Starbucks Round Two!

Welcome back all....they have done it again! Starbucks has gone and pissed me off. Has your friend and humble narrator made a return trip to the den of iniquity? Nay nay. But somehow, they have managed to enter my line of sight...and once again set me off.

Everyone knows that Starbucks coffee costs about four dollars a cup. This number could be much higher, depending on your menu choice. The cost of a cup of coffee at your local 7-Eleven is approximately 1.25. Am I back to discuss how wrong it is for Starbucks to charge such outrageous fees for caffeine? Nay nay...I am here to discuss how wrong it is for Starbucks to charge you 5 bucks for a cup of coffee...and THEN have the nerve to ask you to donate "at least five dollars" to the "Jobs for USA" program that they are sponsoring.

Starbucks is a multi-billion dollar company that sells....coffee. If their crafty use of Italian bartenders and foreign language to confuse the average American isn't bad enough, now they want you to give them "extra" money. I am not saying that this "Jobs for USA" program isn't a good idea, but who wants to walk out of Starbucks with a cup of coffee and ten less dollars in their pocket? This is not the place that should be asking people for more money. How about you take some of the money that you make off of that one dollar cup of coffee that you are overcharging by 400% and give THAT to your program? How about selling coffee for your normal price, and giving some of your profit away?

I hear that they are offering up 5 million dollars to start this program. According to blah blah blah website, (it is obviously not important) Starbucks sells 8,200,000 cups of coffee each day. That is approximately 32 million dollars PER DAY! And you are telling me that to make the people of the world feel better, you are donating 5 million dollars? That would be the same as me donating a penny and trying to get people to donate 5 dollars every time they walked through the door at my store.

Quit trying to make yourself look good Starbucks. Stop trying to get even MORE people into your bars to throw their money away as you want them to. If I want coffee I will go to 7-Eleven, if I want pastries I will go to Dunkin Donuts, if I want some douche bag CD I will go to WalMart, if I want to donate money to a good cause, I will do that too. I don't need you trying to pull at patriotic heart strings to essentially sell more overpriced coffee! Until next time...Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

Fat America

Welcome back true believers! It has been awhile, but I have found inspiration in the latest Activision video game release. Let me first state that I am all for video games. Hell, gamers cracked the protein strain for AIDS for Pete's sake! Modern Warfare is actually one of my favorite games to play, and with MW3 on the way I know I am going to log some major hours.

Being a fan of video games, and MW specifically, what brings my fingers to keys? The upcoming November 8th release of MW3 has now been pushed in to overdrive. Activision has partnered with PepsiCo in a plot to make gamers fatter and more sedentary than they have ever been. The partners announced today that they will offer double experience points in 15, 45, and 90 minute increments to people who buy 20oz bottles, 12 packs, or Evil Empire exclusive 20 packs of Mountain Dew. Bonuses will be awarded for buying Mountain Dew and Doritos "combo packs". Hey, how about giving people MORE reason to sit on their ass for longer periods of time?

Modern Warfare 3 is one of the most anticipated games of this year, and people are going to spend MANY hours in front of their televisions building up their experience points. Why not spend that time eating bags of Doritos and slugging bottles of Mountain Dew? Why not join forces with Smith and Wesson and give experience points for the purchase of firearms that are in the game? It isn't like anyone would get off their fat ass and go use it...it has to be safe, right? Why stop there? Let's give out bonuses on marshmallow packages for the Ghostbusters game. Let's make America fatter and lazier than they have ever been before!

Product placement in movies and video games is obviously not enough anymore. Now we need to convince Fat America that the more they eat and drink crappy foods and beverages, the better they will be at video games? I say nay nay...I am calling for a boycott of Doritos and Mountain Dew until this craziness is over. I am not asking anyone to eat healthier, I know that is a crazy thought... just switch brands for a few months. Drink Mello Yellow and eat Bravos for awhile, give the competitors a chance. Oh, and for all the gamers reading this...earn your XP the old fashioned way..play the game like the rest of us! Until next time kids...Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

DeAndre Way

On July 28, 1990 just days before Iraqi troops invaded Kuwait, DeAndre Way was born. "What in the hell is a DeAndre Way?", you ask? Many of you know him as Soulja Boy. If you still don't know who I am talking about, you are better off. Am I hear to tell you about Soulja Boy and all of his wonderful talent? Nay nay...

Many, if not all of you, know that I served 20 years in the United States Navy. I have friends in all services. I have friends that served in wars nastier than Desert Storm and OIF combined. Whether you served 2 years or 20 years, you went out there and fought for your friends and family back home. Hell, you fought for people that you never met, nor would you ever meet! Why did you do it? Why did I do it? Because it needed to be done. I don't knock anyone for not serving in the military. It isn't for everyone, and I get that. What I won't stand for is a no talent hack (DeAndre) coming out in his internet released song "Let's Be Real" and saying...and I quote "Fuck the FBI and the Army troops, fighting for what?, be your own man...."

This little bitch wants to act like he is some badass and take on Ice-T, to say that Nas killed hip hop, to be defended by King Auto Tune Kanye...and to now bash the military? Who in the hell does he think he is? Is this the only way he can get publicity? This skidmark on the underwear of humanity has four albums...did any of you know that? I didn't think so. No one else knows it either. What America does know? 6207 military members gave their lives during OIF/OEF to protect his bitch ass. Too bad those military members couldn't "be their own man", eh? I can't believe that I am even mentioning this asshole's name! Reports are that he apologized for saying these things....I don't care. If I ever come within arms reach of this punk, I will show him what "hood" is!

For those of you who don't believe that such a talented artist would say such things, here is the video link HERE. Right around the 40 second mark (if you can make it that far without laughing him off of your computer) you will hear the line. I know that none of you are in his target audience of 14 year old girls, but listen up to that part. I love hip hop music, I have since it began, but this mother fucker is why I can't listen anymore. He, and others like him are destroying hip hop. When things go bad in Gotham they send up the Bat Signal...someone please create a KRS-One Signal so that he can come and save hip hop from no talent hacks like this one. Until next time...Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

Nuckin Futs!

Alright you religious screw heads, listen up! While I did not grow up in a bible thumping household, I was subject to having my ass beat when I did something wrong. That was not a religious thing, it was a parenting thing. I was spanked with a hand, a wooden spoon, and on rare occasion, a belt. These were punishments doled out when it was the only way I would understand. They were corrective actions so that I would associate pain with doing whatever it was that I had done. I had a red ass, and it burned for a few hours, but that was it. I never bruised, I never had broken bones, and there was never tissue damage.

Michael and Debi Pearl have written a book and it has sold 660,000 copies (and is on the rise). The name of this book is "To Train Up A Child". Please don't go look for the book, don't buy the book, don't talk about the book. The fact that I acknowledged its existence is bad enough, I just wanted you to know where this is coming from. The book teaches parents that if you can train horse, and you can train a dog, you can also train a child. The methods are nothing less than barbaric, and they use their interpretation of the bible as a guideline for religious nut bags to follow. Hey, if it's in the bible, it must be right! They say (in an interview) that a boy of 7 who hits his sister needs to be beaten 10-15 times with a wooden spoon, a belt, or a piece of plastic plumbing tube. Why? So he knows that beating someone is wrong. So we correct him by beating him? How does that show him that violence is wrong? My youngest son is 7 years old, and I would never even CONSIDER spanking him with anything but my hand.

Where am I going with all of this? Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz of Paradise, California decided that they believed in the Pearl's teachings and beat their 7 year old adopted daughter to death with a piece of plastic plumbing tube 15 inches long. The couple beat their children regularly....why? Because god wanted them to. Spare the rod; spoil the child. Use the rod; kill the child. I see the similarities, I guess. I refuse to give these wastes of life any more press than they are going to get already, but I want you all to watch Anderson Cooper (not just cuz he is a sexy man) HERE. THIS is one of the reasons that I have problem with religion. I know not everyone is like this, but there are 660,000+ copies of that book out there....there has to be more than just the Schatz's that believe this shit.

I know a lot of you come here for the comedy, or a break from reality....but sometimes reality is what needs to take center stage. This couple had 9 kids...I hope those kids find good families to go to because their parents are going to jail for a long time! I honestly hope that they are both beaten daily during their 12-25 year prison terms. Until next time...Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

"Untouched" My Ass!

Welcome back true believers. People send me things....often. They send me stories, forwarded emails, hate mail, they send me all kinds of things. Some of my favorite stuff comes from AOL News and Yahoo! News. The fact that AOL and Yahoo come before the word news makes it about as reliable as the word Fox coming before the word news. Today is no different. I received an email with a link enclosed that took me to Yahoo news. Not only did it take me to Yahoo news, but it took me to the Politics tab within. I figure it is some right wing weirdo sending me something that says "Obama To Be One Term President; Republican Witch Casts Spell" (I know, I know.."I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch. But you are dressed like one....") But was it a story about Obama? Nay nay...it was a story about an Ass X-ray!

Kim Kardashian had her ass X-rayed to prove that it was "untouched". I think that half of the NBA and NFL would tell you that there isn't an X-ray in the world that could prove that. Number one...why are any of the Kardashian's (aside from Daddy) famous? Bruce Jenner is their stepfather, I could even see him still being famous. I think I have a Wheaties box around here somewhere with his picture on it. But Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney (why do they feel like Mortal Kombat characters with all of those Ks?) are famous for no reason at all. And no matter what any of you try to tell me, they are not attractive either. So all that I can come up with is that they are famous (a la Paris Hilton) because of their father. So Kim undergoes a shot of radiation to her ass for no reason other than to tell the world that she has not had anything implanted in it (again..NBA and NFL challenge this statement). Who gives a shit if her ass is real or not? Has Jennie from the block ever run out and had an X-ray of her ass to prove to the world that it is real? Nay nay.

This madness needs to stop. Stop fawning over pseudo-celebrities and their body parts so that I can stop getting emails like this that piss me off for no good reason. The fact that I am even writing a blog that contains the name Kardashian should have me flogged. If you all stop talking about her, maybe she will be like Rex Manning and just "fade away". (for those that can name that reference, you get a button that says Stu-pid.) Not only am I pissed that this crap floods the news....it is in the Politics section of the news!!!. See for yourself Here.

Okay kiddies, that is all for today. I have much better things to do with myself than talk about a Kardashian or her ass X-rays. Until next time...Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

Are You Kidding Me?

Okay, I know I just wrote yesterday. I know the more that I write, the more pretentious I appear. I also don't much care because when the news/mood strikes me...I write. The title of this blog could be nothing but Are You Kidding Me? I avoid the news in general because it depresses me. I happened to be checking out CNN today (because I am trying to contract ADD by trying to watch all the scrolls at the same time) and came across this story.

First let me start by saying that I didn't even know that there were Amish people in Indiana. Second, I didn't know that they allowed cell phones in the community. Unless 21 year old William Yoder was on Rumspringa (which I thought was done during teen years), they have allowed cell phone usage. Mr. Yoder decided that he was going to send nasty text messages, pictures, and videos to a 12 year old girl. Did he send one of each? Two or three? Nay nay...600 messages were sent between this dumbass and a 12 year old girl. The girl (good for her) told her parents about it (about 599 messages too late in my opinion) and they called the police. Yoder texted to set up a meeting with the girl and told her that he would be arriving in a horse drawn carriage. Not even Puff Diddy Daddy Farty Licky rolls in a horse drawn carriage. The police were there waiting for him...and he actually arrived in the carriage.

Dumbass Yoder was arrested on the spot (no question about if it were him or not) and held on 20,000 dollars bail. This leads me to the title...Are You Kidding Me? My favorite part about the story is his statement when caught. You would think he was just on an episode of To Catch A Predator. He said that having sex with this girl would have been a bad decision and he had never done anything like this before. Are You Kidding Me? Sex with a 12 year old would be a bad idea? Someone needs to stab this dude with a pitchfork or some other Amish instrument of destruction. I guess Weird Al needs to amend his song Amish Paradise...these people are going off the deep end and quick! Hey, maybe PDDFL can help him write a new version and say Bad (Amish) Boy all over the track.

Where do they find these people? Oh yeah, in the Amish section of Indiana. They need to lock this ass up and bunk him with Wesley Snipes so he can do some of his martial arts on him. Kick his ass Blade!! Alright, enough of the bonus blog. I will be back again when the world turns funny again. Until next time...Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

And Now, Message From Your Pants

Good day all, and welcome back! There hasn't been much to write about lately, so I have taken to the streets for inspiration. When I say "the streets", I mean I have actually left the house and gone out and about to see what was out there. What I found does not surprise me, but it does continue to irritate me. Let me enlighten you all...

Remember when we were kids? Those of us with older siblings or cousins that passed their "lightly used" clothing down to us? Yes, I am talking about hand me downs. Hand me downs didn't always fit us like new clothes would, but hey...we grew into them! This was an excuse for our clothes not to fit properly; "hey, this was my cousins shirt, I thought it was cool and he let me have it." Or "these were my brother's jeans, get off me." This was socially acceptable and not frowned upon by the community. You may have gotten teased about it, but that was all part of growing up.

Then there was the fad with the baggy pants. Baggy pants were also socially accepted and just looked at as a fashion trend that would pass in time. When the baggy pants became the norm, people started buying them too large in the waist in order to let their underwear show. I guess this was some sort of rebellion phase, or maybe they just couldn't afford a belt...either way, I never understood. This was a very irritating fad..I always wanted to go tell the dumbass to pull up his pants. I, of course, blame Puff Diddy Daddy Farty Licky for this...but then again, I blame him for everything.

All of this is old news to everyone, so what brings me here today? Skinny jeans on boys. As I was traveling about the Hampton Roads area I began to see them everywhere. These are the same pants that "Yo" had on in my Fast Food blog. Not only are these things so tight that they look like they are painted on... but they are wearing them around the middle of their ass cheeks and showing 6 inches of underwear at the same time!!! Who lets these kids out of the house like this? Who buys these pants for their son? I actually asked someone wearing these pants if they had taken them from their sister's closet. These are the dumbest things I have ever seen, and we need to find a way to make it stop. I recommend to any parent that has a son wearing these things...go out and get yourself a pair and wear them around him and his friends. Hell, buy them too short so that they won't go over your ass..then you will apparently be REALLY cool. The kids will see their dads wearing them and immediately stop wearing them. 

Take a stand people...don't buy this crap for your kids. If you do, do something about it and buy some for yourself to wear around them and their friends. Go all Susan Powter and "Stop the Insanity!" Parents still make the rules, "my house, my rules" right? I always took the Chris Rock theory of child raising to be gospel, but it only pertains to girls. "You've got one mission in life. Keep you daughter off the pole." Now I am starting my own..."...Keep your son out of the bath house!" Keep putting those skinny jeans on him and see what happens. For all of you who do wear these stupid clothes, and they are not hand me downs...I have a message from your pants..."I DON'T FIT YOU!!". Until next time... Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

P.D.D.F.L

Welcome back true believers. It has been a long week for me...a lot of school work, baseball, yard work, and new episodes of Bob's Boneyard ! (there is a link there for a reason...go check it out and download the podcast on iTunes). Enough promotion...who am I; Don King? Dana White? Puff Diddy Daddy Farty Licky? Oh yes....there it is. P.D.D.F.L. You have all been wondering what the hell the title of today's blog meant, and now you know!

Sean John Combs. Intern for Uptown Records, climbs his way to Executive at Uptown...then is fired from the same company. Uptown Records brought you the likes of Guy, Heavy D, Mary J Blige, Jodeci, and Al B Sure. Sean was a super producer (like Herbie Luv Bug) that went by the name of Puff Daddy. Puff Daddy...pretty cool name for a hip hop/ r&b producer. We all grew to love Puff Daddy as a producer. But then he decided (with Bad Boy) that he wanted to come out from behind the board and get on the microphone and say "uh, uh" and "Bad Boy" every 12 seconds on every track his artists put down. He was often referred to as Puffy or Puff...that is alright, it is just a shortening of his chosen name.

Next, out of nowhere, he became P. Diddy. P. Diddy was shortened to "Diddy" and I guess that is alright. Then he wanted to be known as Sean Diddy Combs. Let's not mention that he used Biggy Smalls' death as a launch point for his "rapping" career. I use the term "rapping" very loosely, because he is straight up garbage when you put a microphone in his hand. (See earlier notes on "Bad Boy" and "Uh, uh").

P.D.D.F.L has become a pretentious prick over the years. I take nothing away from his talent as a producer, hell..I wish he would go back to producing! He came to town a few weeks ago, and my friend Alfredo Torres had the "honor" of working his show. He said that his rider was full of stuff and he didn't touch any of it. He just wanted to know that they would get it for him because he was P.D.D.F.L. The fact that he has two restaurants, two clothing lines, a movie production company, and Bad Boy proves he knows how to make money. He was estimated at 475 million dollars net worth this year! What it doesn't prove is that he has any actual talent aside from changing his name.

Speaking of changing his name...that is what brought me here today! Apparently, he is making a comeback. I am not sure where he is coming back from, or what he is coming back to...but he is coming back. And in "honor" of his comeback, he is changing his name yet again! But he is only changing it for one week. That seems like a short comeback to me. He has decided that we can all call him "Swag" for the week. I am told that this is short for the term Swagger, which is "how one presents himself to the world". I always knew Swag to mean "Stuff We All Get". Yet no matter how hard I try, I just don't get this guy. So we are allowed...nay..encouraged...nay nay...expected to call Sean John Combs "Swag" for one week, and one week only! He should take a page out of Chad Johnson's play book...changed his name to Chad Ochocinco until even he realized how stupid that sounded. So he reverted back to his given name.

This guy is such a prick. I can't stand his attempts at rap, I hate that he has 5 kids (and is the unofficial step father to Al B Sure's child), I hate that he has a movie production company (maybe so he can get himself into films that no one would ever cast him in). He is just an overall douche! So I refuse to call him Swag for a week...if anything, I would call him "Douche Swag". Hey Sean, either go back to producing mega hits, or go join your meal ticket Biggy Smalls. Either way...get off the microphone and stop changing your friggin name! I can see his tombstone now... Here Lies Sean "Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Puffy, Diddy, Douche Swag" John Combs. Fuck a comeback, how about doing a goback? Go back to producing! Until next time boys and girls...Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

Aggression

Welcome back true believers. As some of you may recall, I started this blog to let out thoughts and feelings that, if kept inside, would eat me alive. I have not needed to use it for anything but promoting my friends' endeavors and exploiting stupidity in the news for a long while. Today your friend, and humble narrator needs to unload.

Have you ever been standing in your kitchen making breakfast...no one around to cause you any reason to be irritated...the skies are sunny, the birds are chirping, yet out of nowhere you feel the need to tear someone's head off of their neck? Well that is where I am today. Let me first state that no one has done anything to me today to put me in this mood, it just kind of happened. Steve, I know you are going to read this and yes...your wife will probably be mentioned as the page goes on...I don't know yet. I tend to write what comes to mind, which is why my blog is sometimes incoherent (but read the title..I have said that would happen from day one).

As most of you know, I have an overwhelming love for old school hip hop. This is usually my music of choice during the day. I will put on my iTunes and let Run DMC or the Fat Boys roll all day long. Or I will turn on Backspin on XM and enjoy the ride. Today has been different...I started my day with Hatebreed's "I Will Be Heard" and it has gotten more and more aggressive as the day has drawn on. Static X's "Bled For Days" has been the highlight of my day. What is the problem? Am I being possessed by the spirit of some whiny emo kid? Am I doing my impression of Droopy? Nay nay... I am just fed up.

I love coaching little league baseball. I like being on the Board of Directors for little league. I am at the field between 4-5 days/nights per week. I love being out there and helping the kids get better, watching them grow as players and as people. What I hate is the bullshit that goes on with the adults that are supposed to be there for the kids. I say the "adults" and use that term very loosely. There are coaches out there that have no right being role models for children. Yes, they pass the background check. All that means is that they aren't kid touchers. There are adults out there arguing with each other in front of the kids...adults that are "coaching" the same team! Adults that can't handle a simple dispute with two children on the field or in the dugout. Adults that coddle their children like they are 4 years old and alienate others on the same team. As for the board of directors portion...I have two roles on the board. I am the Secretary and the Sponsorship Coordinator. I am not Fred Grandy from the Love Boat. There are 11 members of the board...and let me say that most of them are very active in the league. But the members that are very active do EVERYTHING. There are members that don't do shit. What do we do about them? Nothing..we just do the work for them. Are these people on the board because we need to fill positions? Are they there because they are friends of other members? I can't answer that question because we are too busy doing their jobs to worry about it.

Baseball...love it. Next issue? My home. My wonderful wife told me when I retired that I needed to go to college because the VA was going to pay for it..as well as pay me to go. So I am now a college student. My poor wife is also a college student, and working two jobs. I never get to spend time with her anymore. I thought being retired I would have all the time in the world to hang out with her. Go to movies in the middle of the day, go out to lunch whenever we felt like it...pipe dream, I know. But with school, work, baseball....I never get to see her anymore.

I would apologize to you all for dumping this here, but this is my blog..not yours. For those that made it this far...thank you for indulging me. For those that didn't...well they aren't reading this anyway. I am hoping that all of this aggression will work its way out of my system before 5:00 this evening because I have a baseball game to manage tonight. Unlike some of the other "adults" at the field, my team looks to me to be the stable one on the field. Until next time my friends...Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

Obama Bin Laden

Welcome back true believers! Some of you are already wondering, based on the title, what the hell am I going to be writing about this time? Let me first start off by saying I have no political affiliation whatsoever. If I were to lean one way or the other, I guess it would be to the left (but I think that is because I dress left). So...back to the lecture at hand...I am tired of hearing that "Obama didn't kill Bin Laden, the US Military did", or "Why is Obama taking credit for this? He didn't shoot him", or other comments of the sort.

I don't want to come off sounding like some crazy, disgruntled, leftist war vet...but let me tell you how the Salty one sees it. For the past 20 years, I didn't have a President. I had a Commander in Chief. It was my job (as my contract stated) to "support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America, against all enemies foreign and domestic, and to bare true faith and allegiance to the same. To obey the orders of the President of the United States, and the orders of the Officers appointed over me." Every member of the Armed Forces reads, signs, and recites these lines every time the enlist/re-enlist. The President is "the boss". So, the President IS a member of the United States Military. Consider him the Manager of the team. Did Derek Jeter win the World Series 4 times in 5 years? Nay nay...Joe Torre did that. Joe didn't run around telling everyone that he won the World Series, he gave credit to his team. But in the end, it was Joe's knowledge of his players, the information he had on the other team, and how he used all of those tools, that won the World Series. Just as the Commander in Chief used the knowledge of his players, the information he had on the other team, and other tools to kill Bin Laden.

Just because he didn't walk into that "Pock E Stahny" village with an M-16 in his hand, doesn't mean that he doesn't get some sort of credit for this happening on his watch. Do we take credit away from FDR and Truman for winning WWII? Do we take away blame from Eisenhower for the Vietnam "Conflict"? Or credit for the first Gulf War from Daddy Bush? Hell, let's take away all of the aircraft carriers that carry their names too! Nay, that is not how this works. A President who is in office during a victory gets credit for the victory. A President who is in office for a defeat, carries that defeat. Can we blame "Dubya" for all of the lives lost during OIF/OEF? He didn't pull the trigger or set the IEDs. We went in there to "support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America against all enemies; foreign and domestic".

The military members know that this is a job with no glory. It isn't an easily made career choice. What we do know is that whatever the President says...goes. "To obey the orders of the President of the United States, and the orders of the Officers appointed over me." We do the work, he gets the credit. He also gets the blame. If SEAL Team "6" went in there and Bin Laden wasn't there...would SEAL Team "6" take the blame? Nay nay...that would be the Commander in Chief's mistake. Again, he wouldn't have been the one that "let him get away". But that is exactly how he would be remembered.

Being a native New Yorker and a member of the military for 20 years, the death of Bin Laden was very special to me. I saw my fellow New Yorkers avenged, and I saw my fellow sailors do the avenging. No matter what happens from here on out, President Obama will be remembered as the President who avenged our great country, just as FDR was the guy that repaid the Japanese for what they did to Pearl Harbor. Just as Reagan made Gorbachev "tear down this wall". Just because we have a young, black Democrat in the office of President...stop trying to blame him for being credited with accomplishing something that no one has been able to accomplish for almost 10 years....find, track, and kill that son of a bitch Osama Bin Laden. Until next time kiddies....Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

The Royal Wedding

Okay, I know a few of you just came in here because of the title. You are wondering, "What the hell is he doing writing about the Royal Wedding?" Well I am glad that you asked. You can all blame Nate Milton for this one, he got me started last night and I can't stop thinking about it. Oh, not the actual wedding.. I could care less about that. I guess that is actually what I am here to say.

Prince William is getting married to some girl named Kate. Why do you care? I was watching The View yesterday (because being retired, I have that kind of time) and they were showcasing Royal Wedding underwear. What in the blue hell is that all about?? Who is Prince William anyway? Is he the one that dressed up like a Nazi and gave us all something to laugh about? Is he the one that is an officer in the British Military? Nay nay...he is "the other guy". Suddenly I am overtaken by the spirit of the Spin Doctors...."One two, princes kneel before you, that's what I said now, princes..princes who adore you, just go ahead now" But back on track..didn't we declare independence from these people a couple of hundred years ago? Didn't we even have a document written for such a purpose in 1776? Yet all they have to do is hold a wedding and we are slaves to them yet again. This is insane. Wake up people! You don't know these people. Are you going to send a wedding gift? Are you expecting a thank you card? Nay nay...these are people who THINK that you should be watching them because they are royalty, so they tell the media that you should be watching...the media tells you to watch..and like mindless drones....YOU WATCH!!

How about a list of other Princes whose weddings I think would be more interesting. Prince Paul..not the Yugoslavian prince from the early 1900s..but the super producer. Imagine his guest list! Stetsasonic, Gravediggaz, De La Soul, and 3rd Bass. Now that is a wedding party! You not only attend the ceremony of a Prince, but you get to meet a Prime Minister! How about another Prince...Prince Markie D! You know he is going to have a killer buffet at the reception! The artist formerly (and currently) known as Prince! I think that would be the wedding of a lifetime. Seeing a 4 foot nothing guy wearing purple getting married to....who knows...Madonna?? I would even rather watch the wedding of Freddie Prinze Jr. (not the father, he is dead....or there would be so many more episodes of Chico and the Man!). There are so many other Princes out there that would have cooler weddings than this Prince Billy. And they would all be by Americans!

What I am trying to say here, true believers, is that just because the media is telling you that you want to, nay...NEED to be watching this garbage doesn't mean you have to believe them. Go find a repeat of Welcome Back Kotter or BJ and the Bear. The entertainment value will be higher and you will be more familiar with the characters. You all know Vinny Barbarino and the Sweathogs, none of you know Prince Billy. I know this was a short post, but I don't want to glorify the wedding any more than the media already is. Until next time...remember...Sweathogs good...English weddings bad. Stay Salty boys and girls...

-Salty Dog

Mike and Bob

Good day and welcome back true believers. What brings the Salty Dog to his keyboard today? Is it this mess that happened last week with the "Government Shutdown"? Is it the Yankees losing 2 out of 3 to the hated Red Sox? Is it "you got your chocolate on my peanut butter"? Nay nay! What brings me out today is local outrage. For those of you who do not live in (or have not visited) the greater Hampton Roads, Virginia area...you may not be familiar with the topic of today's blog, but I believe that many of you can empathize.

The local "alternative rock" radio station here in the 757 has the most popular set of DJs. Their names are Mike Powers and Bob Fresh (Frantz). They host a show called, strangely enough, the Mike and Bob Show. This show was the most popular "afternoon drive time" show in the entire area. They were young enough to be in touch with the "club crowd", yet old enough to be in touch with the over 30 crowd (which includes your friend and humble narrator). They could fill 4 hours of radio without skipping a beat. They had interns that became famous around town..their producer was known to all by name...their program director was a local celebrity. The show was so popular, the station did away with a nationally syndicated show (ManCoward) and moved the boys to the mornings to take down the local juggernaut in that time slot. A mission that they not only accepted, but took on with zeal. No question as to what happened...they buried their competition. For ten years this crew ruled the airwaves in this area. Until Friday.....

96X has decided (once again) that they need a format change. Even though they have tried this in the past and failed miserably...they are going to Top 40 (douche bag radio). I am sure that MD is out there somewhere on the left coast laughing at the station, yet crying for Mike and Bob. Too many good people have fallen under the mighty machine that is Sinclair Communications. MD, Fan of the Game, Manny, and now the Bread Winning Brothers...Mike and Bob. This is the radio equivalent of Sony deciding to abandon the Playstation and go to a cartridge based gaming system. Do you remember the Punk Show on Sunday nights? MD and Justin playing your punk requests (damn you Justin and your Mr. Coffee!!) for 3 hours...that was awesome...alternative even. Or the Fan of the Game and his Debacle. These were quality shows, and great people....kind of like the Mike and Bob show. Quality show...and great people.

I understand that I may be biased since I know all of the people that I have mentioned in the blog, but look around...take a poll...these were all great shows and better people. For a radio station to take a proven formula and throw it (and the people who made the station famous) away is unspeakable. So for all of you that loved 96X and even more...loved the Mike and Bob Show...let yourselves be heard! Get on your Twitter accounts and use the hash tag #boycottsinclair. Send your letters...yes I said "LETTERS" to the address below. Let Mr. Sinclair know that he is making a huge mistake...tell him how much the Mike and Bob Show means to you. Hell, tell him that nobody wants to listen to douche bag radio...bring back the alternative! And let me know when he starts to listen, because I will be listening to Backspin....all XM all the time from this point forward. Until I hear from Mike or Bob telling me that they are back on the air, I am boycotting 96X. Until next time kiddies...Stay Salty

-Salty Dog

 Send your letters to:


Bob Sinclair Sr
5th Floor
999 waterside drive
Norfolk VA 23510

Team America

Welcome back kiddies...it has been a little while since I have put fingers to keyboard...but I am back. I can already tell that this blog is going to be met with resistance, but hey...that gives us more to discuss. As you all know, I am a patriotic individual. I am not running around protesting and demonstrating for every cause that involves the military or the state of the Union, but I do believe strongly that we are the greatest country in the world...or at least I used to.

I have been overwhelmed by all of the "Donate to Japan" hype over the last two weeks. Do I have a problem with Japan or the Japanese people? Nay nay...they suffered a terrible tragedy. Do I have a problem turning on my computer and seeing Facebook pushing for me to give them money? Or logging on to play a game of Call of Duty Black Ops and having my PS3 tell me to donate? Yes. Everyone in the country knows that Japan just had its ass kicked by Mother Nature. Everyone also knows how to Google "Red Cross" and find out how to get a hold of them. The news from Japan was so important that everyone stopped talking about Charlie Sheen for a whole week! (Hey Charlie...looks like you're "Duh, Losing") I get it...just like I got Haiti, just like I got Iraq, Libya, Afghanistan...the list goes on. Where were all of these countries during the cleanup of Hurricane Katrina? Where are all of these countries in helping US? Hell, where are WE when it comes to helping us?

I Googled "Donations for Japan" and came up with 11,300,000 hits in less than .2 seconds. I then Googled "help feed the homeless in America" and came up with 966,000 hits in the same amount of time. I have friends that served their country in time of war that are now without homes of their own. They cannot find jobs, they have to fight to keep food in their stomachs....yet we are sending money to other countries to help them? This is a crock of shit. These same Veterans are not receiving the medical care that they were promised when they were sent "home" from military service. I will not even get into the topic of monetary compensation....I will just stay with the basic human necessities that they are not getting. Where are the American people when it comes to homeless Vets...hell homeless Americans! We don't want to deal with our problems at home, we want to have telethons and celebrity spokespeople for other countries. We are made to feel bad if we don't give money to the AMERICAN Red Cross to go spend on other people.

Don't get me wrong, I am a Humanist by nature. I think everyone deserves to have the basic things in life. I am not asking that my fellow former military members deserve more than anyone else in this world, but they do deserve the same things. Am I pushing for Socialism or Communism? Nay nay...these men and women need to work for what they get. But if you give your life to the country, to do with it what it will...then you deserve to be taken care of when something bad happens. We have people fighting wars so that our gas prices will go down. Nineteen year old men and women dying because we feel the need to gas up our 4x4 trucks with cheaper gas. What are we doing for them? Sending them into war with protective equipment from WWII. The weapons and tactics have changed slightly since the last "Big War", our equipment should reflect that.

All I am saying is that we need to clean our yard before we start poking our heads over the fence and pointing out/correcting the flaws of our neighbors. Team America: World Police. How about we turn this back into a place that we are proud to say "we take care of our own"? Once we are good...THEN we can go help the rest of the world. Let's stop helping our neighbors plant roses when we have a lawn full of crab grass. Let's get the homeless fed, our Vets the care they deserve, and your friend and humble narrator a better disability percentage. I am kidding on that last part...but you get the message. Until next time...Stay Salty!

-Salty Dog

Whatever Happened To Predictability?

The milkman, the paperboy, and evening TV.....welcome back true believers! I apologize for my recent absence to the two or three of you that read this regularly. I have been taking care of some things around the house of late and neglecting my ranting...I mean writing. What brings me back to the keyboard this time? Something that has been bothering me for a few years, but only recently become a major source of irritation.

I was listening to my favorite radio program (wow, doesn't that make me sound old???) this morning. That would be the very popular Mike and Bob Show on 96X (www.96x.fm for those that would like to listen from 0600-0900 Monday through Friday). Anyway...Mike and Bob were giving away tickets for something or other, and in order to win said tickets you had to win an on air game. The game they were playing today was Television Theme Song Name That Tune. This is when I knew that I had to write.

While watching your television tonight, I want you to pick a show...any show...and sing the theme song. You can't do it? Is it because you are getting old and your memory is failing you? I say, "Nay, nay". The thing is, there ARE no theme songs to television shows anymore. I remember growing up and watching shows with great theme songs. Songs so good that they were played on the radio! Believe it or Not (from the Greatest American Hero) by Mike Post happens to reside in my 45 collection. (For all of you younger readers, the collection refers to a small piece of vinyl that plays music when rotated at 45 RPM). I knew the words to every theme song from every show that I watched, and recognized hundreds more! When I heard "In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit..." I knew it was time for the A-Team. "Hey where ya goin, not exactly knowin, who says you have to call just one place home..." BJ and the Bear was coming on! Cheers, MASH, Diff'rent Strokes, The Facts of Life, all the great shows of our past had quality theme songs that you could sing along to (assuming you knew the words to Suicide Is Painless).

The shows of today have no theme songs. Take the very popular "Glee"...a show all about singing. What is it's theme song? One word...GLEE! Law and Order...another hugely popular series...what do they have? Dum Dum! (no, not the little lolly pops). There are some very good shows out there today that I can only assume will fail miserably due to the fact that they have no theme song. I am not only here to complain, I am here to take a poll. What is your favorite all time theme song from a television show? As your friend and humble narrator, I will go first. Hands down, no questions asked..my favorite theme song of all time has to be The Jeffersons. To this day, anytime someone mentions "moving up" I have to follow with "to the East side. To a de-luxe apartment in the skyyyy".

Long gone are the songs that take up the first one to three minutes of a television show. Bring on more commercial breaks instead. I am thinking of sending this blog to some of the networks and asking them why? Why have they taken away my favorite part of television in the interest of more advertising? Then again, I guess I need to look no further than my favorite music producer, and least favorite rapper Puff Diddy Daddy Farty Licky for the answer....it's all about the benjamins baby. Until next time...Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

Spitballs of Mass Destruction

So...here we are again. We really have to stop meeting like this. No, I am kidding...please keep coming back! Anyway...what kind of title is this? What could I possibly have to say about spitballs? What am I, 14? Nay nay, but Andrew Mikel is. What? You don't know who Andrew Mikel is? I didn't either; until Melanie decided to send me a link to a Fox Noise story about this kid in Spotsylvania,Virginia KNOWING that I would put my fingers to the keys shortly thereafter. So, to sound like that creepy guy on the opening to Law and Order SVU... "This is his story" (bong bong).

Andrew is a 14 year old Freshman at Spotsylvania High School in Spotsylvania,VA (not the home of Whattsa Matta U) For those of you who just missed the Whattsa Matta U reference, for your own safety...turn back now. Andrew is an honor student, he is a member of the ROTC, and plans to apply to the Naval Academy upon graduation. All in all, this sounds like a good, solid, ambitious kid. This is not the type of kid that you are going to find huffing glue in the boys bathroom. So...what brings us to talk about young Andrew Mikel today?

Andrew was hanging out at lunch with some other kids (as most well adjusted teenagers do). He reaches into his bag and pulls out a pen, takes out the ink cartridge and inserts little plastic spitballs. I know..not paper, but plastic!! How dare he? Does he think he is an Amazonian Indian? Is he descended from some African Pygmies? Nay nay...he is just a normal 14 year old boy. He used this high powered weapon of mass destruction to blow these little plastic balls at speeds exceeding 20 feet per second to shoot three classmates. Did these spitballs hit them in the eye? Did they scar them for life mentally? Will they never be able to pull down their Ken doll's pants (hint..plastic balls....) again? I say nay nay...none of this happened, yet this kid is being suspended for the remainder of the school year due to a zero tolerance policy in the school. But wait, there's more! The Spotsylvania Sheriff's Department has filed three counts of misdemeanor assault on this poor kid. For shooting three kids with spitballs!! They said that they felt a pinch or a sting when they were hit. Not that they were broken or bleeding, but they felt a pinch and now this kid's future is going to be ruined?

When we were kids, we got into fist fights in school. What happened? We got in school suspension, or we got a couple of days at home. We got our asses kicked by our parents when the word got home, and that was worse than anything the school would do to us. I had in school suspension multiple times when I was in High School. I think I turned out okay. To file assault charges against this honor student with hopes of a military future is insane! It isn't like the kid brought a gun to school..or even a knife...no, he had a pen and some plastic balls. He is not a trained blowgun terrorist from the Amazon, he is a kid! His dad is a former Seabee in the Navy, and a former Marine. I am pretty sure he could have handled his son at home and he would never have done this again. Instead, he is looking at assault charges, and who knows...terrorism?

I understand that after (in best Rudy Giuliani voice)"9-11" a lot of new rules were put in place to protect us all from terrorists and ourselves. The TSA, the metal detectors in schools, the zero tolerance on weapons policies...I get that. What I don't get is who these people think they are that they can expel and arrest this kid because he shot spitballs at classmates? So a pen tube, plastic balls, and some air from the kids lungs is potentially going to cost an honor student his chance at becoming a Naval officer. Step back from the policies people and look at your offender. He is a 14 year old kid, doing what 14 year old kids have always done. It isn't like 7 kids beat up a 13 year old and put it on youtube. Nay, that is a different topic altogether. Someone needs to grab these administrators by the short ones and straighten them out. Until next time....Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

Facebook: Friend or Foe?

Good day all! It is funny that I am talking about Facebook today, because that is how most of you access this site. I had heard of Facebook long before I began using it. I heard about it from everyone that I know. "You aren't on Facebook? What do you mean you don't have a Facebook account? You're not cool unless you have a Facebook account." These were almost daily statements that I had to deal with. I believe that I actually signed up for a Facebook account so that people would stop telling me to get a Facebook account. It has been both a great tool, and a total nuisance since I have had it.

I have been able to use Facebook to reconnect with friends and family that live far away from me. Used it to talk to people who I was once close with, but due to this crazy little thing called "life"...have lost touch with. I have been able to see my cousin's baby, my friends' new homes, view foreign lands (like Oklahoma) through the eyes of my friends. These are all great things that Facebook has allowed me to do. I have also been swamped with "game" requests. I put game in quotation marks because none of these are actually games, nor are any of them really fun. They pass time when I have insomnia, they gave me something to do when I was stuck on the couch, recovering from multiple knee surgeries, they give me something else in common with friends and family...but they all suck. And the worst part about it is...they consume you.

Never in my life have I had the desire to work on a farm. I have never really even wanted to VISIT a farm. But damn it if I am not in front of my computer every 4-8 hours making sure that my crops haven't withered, or collecting chicken eggs, or whatever other crazy shit farmers do. I actually think I put in more time virtual farming than an actual farmer puts in to actual farming! This would make sense if I grew up on a farm or had a secret desire to be a farmer...but neither of those statements is true. I also have a city that I tend to everyday. I am the mayor...do I receive a paycheck from the city? I say nay, nay. It is just one more huge waste of time bestowed upon me by Facebook and my Facebook friends.

Causes....I almost don't even want to get into this..but of course I will. I am a man with very strong convictions when it comes to things I care about. I am a 20 year veteran of the United States Navy, and most anything dealing with the support of the military and its men and women is a cause that I believe in. I don't need invitations from 30 people telling me to click this button and show your support for the armed forces. I don't want to click to show that I think people protesting military funerals should be clubbed like a baby seal. I have seen such ridiculous things as "click here to show that this piece of corn can get more votes than Miley Cyrus." People have become so involved with the "click here" causes, that I believe it is impossible for them to care about any of them. I think there should be a "click here to stop stupid causes" Cause. I am not doubting that there are many legitimate causes out there, but by putting those causes on Facebook, you kind of take some of the legitimacy out of them. People will click on anything on here if their friends clicked on it before them.

Facebook is a great invention (as is evidenced by Mark Zuckerberg's bank account). But just like anything else, people will find a way to make it more of a pain than a pleasure to use. Do me a favor people....walk away from Facebook for an hour. Call your friends on the phone instead of waiting for them to post something about their lives online. Invite them over for some face to face time. Have a beer, eat a meal, watch a sporting event together. Don't let Facebook become your primary means of communication with your friends and family. I am not asking anyone to stop using Facebook. I know I couldn't stop doing it myself. What I am saying is...don't let it become all that there is. And for Pete's sake, stop posting stuff on there that you would never say to someone else face to face. Remember...if it is on your wall..EVERYONE can see it. Until next time....Stay Salty!

-Salty Dog

Here I Come To Save The Day!

Welcome back, true believers. For those of you who have been following me for the past year, you heard about the Virginia Beach Ninja. There are strange people out there, and there is nothing we can do about it. But what is this? Up in the sky...it's a bird...it's a plane..it's...some dumbass that thinks he's a superhero! Am I kidding? Nay nay, I wish I were. I am here to tell you that this is real, and it is happening all over our fine country.

 

Who is this fine citizen? This is Cincinnati Police Force's greatest ally...Shadow Hare (the one on the left). The leader of "The Allegiance of Heroes" is a 21 year old from Ohio who is out for truth and justice on the mean Cincinnati streets. They stop crimes in progress (usually escaping with minor injuries) and perform citizen's arrests when warranted. Shadow Hare is a real life superhero.

Cruising out to the left coast brings us to the man with the plan..the leader of the Xtreme Justice League (I am sure there is a copyright infringement case in there somewhere)...the pride of San Diego...Mr. Xtreme. Mr. Xtreme is out for truth, justice, and a mean game of Dungeons and Dragons! He is armed with pepper spray, the "Double Trouble Stun Gun", and multiple cell phones. He sounds like he is ready for anything, this guy! Mr. Xtreme is currently on the hunt of a serial groper in the Chula Vista area. It is about time somebody got out there and brought all of those serial gropers to justice!

I am not knocking these guys for wanting to be a productive member of society...or for wanting to aide the local police force in any way that they can. What I am getting on them for is letting their Live Action Role Playing game to get out of hand. These guys are going to jump out on the wrong guy one night and he is going to test their "super powers". What happens then? Are they faster than a speeding bullet? When one of them ends up on the ground with a sucking chest wound, what do the police do then? What do they tell the "Superhero's" parents? "Yeah, I knew your son was going to get himself shot one day doing that stupid shit, but I figured when that day came that he would learn his lesson." Let's seriously regulate these D&D games, the Magic: The Gathering games, The...whatever the hell else geeks are doing these days to avoid their real lives in their mother's basement. Things have gotten out of hand people. To find the local "Superhero" in your area (oh yes, they are everywhere) check this page Real Life Weirdo Registry.

Okay, maybe I am jealous because I wanted to grow up to be the next Batman. Life didn't throw me a Bruce Wayne fortune, but that is no reason to hate on these guys. Actually, I don't think I am mad at them..this is kind of like the People of Walmart page...it is fun to look at, knowing that you aren't one of them. If any of you HAVE seen yourself on People of Walmart...I apologize. So...until next time Stay Salty...same Salty Time... Same Salty channel!

-Salty Dog

Run Faster, Jump Higher

Welcome back kiddies. I am here today to discuss with you the topic of energy drinks. I consider myself an expert in the subject, because over the years I think I have tried just about every energy drink that came to my area. I have tried them in other countries as well (one of my favorites was in Turkey...but made in the Netherlands...it was called Red Devil). They fill a need in America more than anywhere else. The need to run faster, jump higher, get more done in the same amount of time....29 hours of work in a 24 hour day. The land of milk and honey is now the land of Guarana and Taurine.

The first energy drink that I remember was Jolt Cola. It wasn't labeled as an "energy drink" back in the 80s, nay nay...it was just soda. But it was a special soda with "all the sugar and twice the caffeine". This was their actual marketing campaign! Do you know what though? It worked. People all over the place bought Jolt Cola. They bought it in bottles, cans, two liters...and the ever popular THREE LITER bottles. Jolt Cola tasted like 12 buckets of smashed ass holes. You damned near had to chew it, it was that thick. But screw the world...we drank it, and we liked it! We loved it! Then, just as quickly as it arrived, it was gone. Jolt came under such scrutiny that they had to take it off the shelves and go underground.

Red Bull....gives you wings, right? This is the number one selling energy drink in the United States. It has been the number one seller since it hit the market. How is this possible when it tastes like sucking on a set of wet car keys? Is it the awesome commercials? Nay nay. They were the first ones in the new energy drink market, and they were the first ones in the bars and clubs. This means Red Bull and Vodka were a logical choice... and their reputation was solidified. The mixing of a stimulant and a depressant is always a good choice...no, that's right, it isn't.

The main ingredient in these drinks is sugar. We all know what sugar will do for you. The next is caffeine. We know that caffeine will speed you up a bit...depending on your tolerance. Then we get into the world of stuff that no one knows what the hell it is or does, but the more of these you see on an energy drink label, the more apt people are to buy them. Taurine. What in the blue hell is Taurine, and what does it do? Taurine is an amino acid that supports neurological development and helps regulate the level of water and mineral salts in the blood. Taurine is also thought to have antioxidant properties. What purpose does that have in an energy drink? Absolutely none! Just like Creatine and Ginko. The minute amounts that actually go into each can makes no impact on the consumer, whatsoever.

Why do we drink them. I will say "we" because to this day, I continue to waste my money on these stupid products. I can say it is for research purposes, so that I can share with you guys...but it is honestly because I am trying to find one that works. When I was a kid, I drank Jolt....and it worked. Jolt spun me like a top. So as I stroll the aisles of my local convenience store....I see it. It has made its triumphant return. Jolt! Is it in two and three liter bottles? Nay nay...Jolt has reinvented itself as Jolt Energy Drink. Not only do they have the original 12 buckets of smashed ass hole flavor, but now they have orange, grape, and blue raspberry. Blue raspberry....remember snow cones (or Slush Puppies for my New York followers)? Remember the blue one, and how good it was to just drink the syrup after it had melted? Add carbonation and put it in a can, kiddies, and you have the new Jolt Blue Bolt.

So the energy drink world has come full circle. The originator....well before its time...has returned. If you want to relive your childhood, go grab a Jolt Cola flavored energy drink. My one request...as I mention childhood.. please stop letting your kids drink this shit. As I said, a lot of what goes into them hasn't been proven to do anything....but it hasn't been proven NOT to either. Guarana has been known to cause rapid heart beat....don't let your 12 year old slug a few Monsters because they think it's cool. Step up and be a parent. Sorry, didn't mean to get all high and mighty there. Hard to do as I am drinking a Jolt Wired Grape while writing this. So since I am looking for feedback (mostly to confirm that anyone is still reading).... what is your favorite energy drink? Do you let your kids drink them? What is the dumbest thing you have done after drinking them? For your Jolt recipes please see http://www.joltenergy.com/concoctions.html  Until next time....Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

I Can't Stands No More!

Okay...let us first admit that what happened in Arizona was a great tragedy. Let us also admit that Jared Lee Loughner is a giant douche that deserves to be punished for his actions to the fullest extent of the law. Now that we have the disclaimers out of the way, let me tell you why I am here today. It isn't about the stupid whack job that decided to go on a shooting spree, I think he is getting way too much press as it is. Nay nay...this is about the rest of the world....well, the part of the world that has been brainwashed by religion...and the excuses that they are making for him.

What the hell am I talking about? Let me start with Facebook. Many of my religious friends (yes, I can be friends with "those people") keep pointing out this stupid New York Daily News article about this turd and his "Satanic Shrine". Number one....let me tell you ALL...there is absolutely NOTHING Satanic about his "shrine".

What in this picture could be considered "Satanic"? Is it the potting soil? Is it the candles? Is it the plant pot? Nay nay...it must be the human skull! The fact that the skull looks like it was purchased at the Dollar Store around Halloween is beside the point. This is the photo that has stirred all of the "Satanic" controversy. Does this photo scare you? Does this look like something Satanic? Minus the Dollar Store skull, this could be in any of your back yards. Hell....this probably IS in Melanie's back yard!

Let me give you a quick lesson on Satanism. Number one...Satanists do not believe in "Satan" as an entity any more than they believe in "God". There is no worship of the Devil as you know it. This is a common misconception and I will not fault you for thinking that this was true. Satanists do not believe in human sacrifice (as you may have thought they did). Satanists are very much....Humanists. The only reason that Christianity hasn't taken Satanic rites as their own, is that Satanism started so late. Christianity swallowed many Pagan religions by adapting pieces of their customs in order to convert their followers. Altars, wine (blood), exorcism, ascension....the list goes on. These are all elements of past Pagan religions that you find in current Christian belief. But enough of that.

The fact that everyone is saying that this guy is a Satanist disturbs me. What this guy is....is an ass hole. They are trying to say that he is mentally ill. Nay nay...he is a fuck stick. The pushing of this "mentally ill" angle is going to keep him well cared for, for the rest of his life. He will be found guilty of murder and placed in a mental hospital until he dies of old age. If he is found mentally ill, it is illegal to give him the death penalty. Let us just say that he is an idiot and put him to death. Alright...enough. I have stands all I can stands, and I can't stands no more! Stop calling this guy a Satanist, stop calling him mentally ill, just call him what he is....a future death row inmate. Until next time.....Stay Salty!

Will Buy Your Stolen Shit

Welcome back kiddies! I know that my writing has slowed a bit since I have been retired. One would think that my blogs would increase in frequency since I don't have to go to work anymore. But (you guessed it) nay nay. I have been busy around the house with this and that. I did happen to venture out today for awhile though. As I was driving, I looked to my left...and what to my wondering eyes should appear? The focus of today's blog!

Pawn shops are wonderful things. They help out people who need money fast and have a bunch of stuff that they really don't need. They are a great place to pick up stuff for cheap. And they are an excellent place for your average, run of the mill thief or crackhead to make a quick buck. This last part may be news to some of you, but I have seen it happen. Anytime you walk into a pawn shop (which I highly recommend on your next vacation) and you happen to see a new Blu-ray or PS3 game on the shelf and it is still in the original packaging.....crack heads stole these products and pawned them for a couple of bucks. This is your chance to clean up! But anyway...

What was it that I saw? Was it just another pawn shop? I say nay nay! I saw a 24 hour pawn shop. Pawn shops keep strict hours, tight security, video cameras, the works. A 24 hour pawn shop is basically telling the world, "Hey, we are open all night so that we can buy your stolen shit right after you get it!" There is no other reason to be a 24 hour pawn shop. I have never woken up at 3 in the morning thinking, "You know what? I could really use a few bucks, and I don't really use my microwave anyway...". 24 hour ATM? Sure....who knows when you will need money. 24 hour convenience store? Great...those stores have EVERYTHING. 24 hour Taco Bell....I am on board. But a 24 hour pawn shop is about as relevant as a 24 hour IRS office. No one will be at these locations except criminals.

I believe this pawn shop was actually started by the police so that they can just pick off the thieves and crack heads without having to track them down days after the fact. If the cops DIDN'T start this business, then they should have. At a minimum they should just sit outside and watch the clientele and snatch them up as they walk out. No one is pawning their own stuff at 2 a.m.

That is the strangest business I think I have ever seen. Who can top it? Find me a stranger (legitimate) business than a 24 hour pawn shop (and no...the Catholic Church doesn't count). Until next time readers.....Stay Salty.