Saturday, December 22, 2012

Ho Ho Ho...Merry Christmas My Foot

Welcome back, faithful few! It has been a little bit since I have put fingers to keys, but I am here for my second annual Christmas post. Last year I wrote about my distaste for the way people act around "the Season", and wonder why they can't be like that all year round....amongst other things. We are not here to rehash last year's blog though. So then why are we here? Is it to talk about who is better; Heat Miser or Snow Miser? Is it to debate white lights or colored lights for the Christmas tree? Is it to ask all of you to combine your efforts to get me the complete BJ and the Bear series on DVD? I say nay nay....well except for the last one, of course. It is a Christmas poll question! Come on, everyone loves poll questions. This time around, the question is, "what is your favorite Christmas movie?" We aren't going to get into television shows, but any movie that is about Christmas, or takes place with Christmas as a backdrop qualifies.

How is it that I could ask you all to tell me your favorite without me first telling you mine? It is impossible! So...my favorite Christmas movie is set in the South Bronx in 1984. The movie follows Kenny, his brother Lee, and Kenny's friends Ramon and Chollie. Kenny is the local DJ for house parties, but he lands a job at Kool Herc's club; The Burning Spear. During this scene, Kenny introduces one of the acts...which turns out to be The Treacherous Three featuring Doug E Fresh. Watch the scene here Kenny's performance earns him a New Year's Eve gig at the Roxy, and leads to the ending scene of the film. So my movie takes place all through the Christmas season. The movie, for those of you who still are unfamiliar..is Beat Street.

How can Beat Street be my favorite Christmas movie? Because it contains some of my favorite things....classic rap, break dancing, graffiti, and Doug E Fresh! What could make a Christmas movie any better? I hear all of these people saying that It's A Wonderful Life is the greatest Christmas movie of all time. Are you kidding me? That movie is soooooo slow, and at times very boring. There are no boring scenes in Beat Street! I understand that not everyone likes what I like, but you won't know until you try! Beat Street is streaming on Netflix, so for those of you who have never seen it..and have Netflix...go ahead and watch it. It is a Christmas movie, after all. Plus, how many times can you really watch A Christmas Story? I am sure that one of your cable channels will be running it again... and again...and again in the next few days. Take some time to watch (for many of you) a NEW Christmas film, and the Salty one is serving it up to you on a silver platter.

So, to recap....Beat Street good....Wonderful Life bad. But, that is just one guy's opinion....I came here to ask for yours. What is your favorite Christmas movie? If you haven't seen Beat Street yet, I will take your answer with a grain of Salt. Oh, and don't forget your friend and humble narrator when the 25th rolls around....I really wasn't kidding about that BJ and the Bear thing. Until next time... Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

Sunday, December 16, 2012

A Parent's Response

WHEN 6 AND 7 YEAR OLD CHILDREN ARE GUNNED DOWN IN THEIR SCHOOL, THE ANSWER IS NOT "IF WE HAD PRAYER IN SCHOOL, THIS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED." STOP TAKING TRAGIC, HEART WRENCHING SITUATIONS AND USING THEM TO THROW AROUND YOUR RELIGION. FUCK YOU, FOX NEWS. FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.
-Salty Dog

Monday, November 5, 2012

Back In The Day

Welcome back boys and girls! While most of my forays into the writing world are driven by anger at the stupidity that surrounds me, today's journey is more nostalgia based. Is this a trip back to the days when I thought PDDFL was a great producer? Is it the fact that I could really go for a Chocodile and a Zeltzer Seltzer? Is it that I want to organize a Million Man March on Netflix headquarters in order to get BJ and the Bear streaming? Sadly, nay nay. What brings me here today is music.

I was driving to work this morning and heard LL Cool J's "I Need Love" on the radio. Hearing that song immediately brought me back to 1987 and the release of the BAD album (LL's BAD, not MJ's). This was the first "slow jam" rap that I had ever heard, and I can remember it playing after Mama Montego had told New Yorkers to "take care, darling...and walk good." This was LL's sophomore effort after he had stomped on the scene with the Radio album. As a 16 year old hip hop head, (pre lip licking) James Todd Smith was one of my favorites. We all know that he has gone on to become a film and TV actor today, but back then he was just a bad ass kid from Farmers Blvd with a hat like a shark's fin. He was so BAD that he had not one, but TWO DJs; Bobcat and Cut Creator. I can, to this day, sing every song on that record from "I'm Bad" all the way down to "The Do Wop". While many kids of my era will tell you that Zeppelin or Floyd shaped their musical tastes, I will tell you that LL's BAD album shaped mine.

Music is amazing; it can transport you to a time or place that is long gone. It has magical powers that do not require you to go 88 miles per hour, nor are you required to generate 1.21 jigawatts of power in order to go back in time. I am not a music snob, there are many songs from many different bands that can take me to many different times. Jethro Tull takes me back to my early youth, A-ha takes me back to the early days of MTV (back when they still played videos), Queen Latifah takes me back to the Catherine Street Center and my High School days, Another Bad Creation brings me back to Boot Camp....the list goes on. What I am trying to say is that music is a great thing.

I have been into hip hop since I was about 12 years old, but there is really no record that stands out in the "shaping of my youth" more than that one. While I know that this is not what all of you may have listened to, but you all have a song or a record that takes you back. Don't get me wrong, I do not wish that I were a kid again, like Ahmad (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyVu_v82vjM) but I do wish they made music like they used to. So...what am I trying to say? What is the song that takes YOU back? And where does it bring you? That's all for now...see you all in Los Gatos, California for the Million Man March on Netflix! Until then...Stay Salty.
-Salty Dog

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Monster Mash

Welcome back true believers! I am sorry to have left you all, but I have been busy getting my education on. What is it that brings my fingers back to keys on this fine October night? Is it the latest knock down, drag out fight that was the Presidential debate? Is it my overwhelming urge to ride in to battle on a horse armed with a bayonet? Is it once again to plead for your assistance in sharing my outrage that BJ and the Bear is STILL not on Netflix? Nay nay good people, it is the public outcry for justice over Monster Energy Drinks and their competitors.

Let me preface this mess by saying that anyone dying (except pedophiles and PDDFL) is no laughing matter. That being said, who lets their 14 year old...with a genetic heart condition..drink two Monster Energy Drinks in a day? As you can all see from the picture above, Monster posts a warning label on their cans stating "Not recommended for children, pregnant women, or people sensitive to caffeine." If you ignore these warnings, you cannot then sue the company for the death of your child.... who once again, has a genetic heart condition. The only thing that would make this decision worse is if the girl was pregnant too. Call me insensitive if you will, but I am not the one who let my 14 year old (with heart problems) drink 480mg of caffeine in a single day. While that is only 4 cups of strong coffee, it also equates to about 28 cans of Coke. So would any of you let your child drink more than a case of Coke in a day? I say nay nay.

Am I a nay sayer when it comes to energy drinks? More like a nay nay sayer, but not when energy drinks are involved. I am a huge fan of caffeine and all of its carbonated or non carbonated incarnations. I love my coffee, I have tried most every energy drink that has hit the market, I have ingested more caffeine pills than I have vegetables in the past 20 years; I am a caffeine junkie! On that topic, I am also 40 years old and know my limits. When I begin to shake like Michael J Fox, I know that I have had enough. I may be destroying my liver in the process, but I can't do any more damage than the daily allowance of Vitamin M (read Motrin) that the Navy put me on for 10 years.

If you are going to drink Monsters, or anything of the sort, go right ahead...and enjoy. Be careful with the purple ones, they somehow turn your shat to British Racing Green liquid. If there is a new drink that hits the market that doesn't taste like Red Bull (read wet car keys), please let me know so that I can try it. Please be your kid's parent, not their friend, and keep them away from this shit. If you DO let them drink energy drinks, monitor their intake, check their medical history, and don't try to sue others due to your own negligence if something goes wrong. If your kids have already stocked up on such beverages, feel free to mail them to me. I will dispose of them in the proper receptacle. Until next time...Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

Saturday, September 15, 2012

F-R-E-S-H

Welcome back faithful few! Sorry to tell you, there is no tirade this time around. There is so much out there that I could go off about (the robot Presidential candidate, the fucktards in Egypt, the lack of BJ and the Bear on Netflix) but I won't. I am here to talk about the greatest concert of the year; Fresh Fest.
If there are any Lil Wayne fans reading (not that I believe that there are) you should turn back now because you will not understand anything I am about to say. As a die hard old school hip hop fan, there aren't a lot of concerts that I want to go to. The local clubs and "arenas" would rather bring in 2 Chainz or some other shit act than go with something proven. NTelos Pavilion in Portsmouth.... that is a different story.
Every year (for the past three) nTelos Pavilion has decided that since old school acts aren't touring together, they will invite them separately to play on the same night. The turnout for this show is amazing. While the majority of the fans that come out for this festival are over age 40, there are some younger audience members in attendance. This year's show saw Chubb Rock, Big Daddy Kane, Slick Rick, MC Lyte, and Salt n Pepa. There is not an artist on this list that I haven't been a fan of since the 1980s, and nTelos brought them all together on one stage.
This concert was like one big block party. Outside of my home, this is the closest I have felt to family. The other fans at this show felt the same as I did; THIS is hip hop. There was no fear of a fight breaking out, no worries of being shot by some dumb ass kid trying to be hard, nothing of the sort. This was a bunch of grown adults reliving their childhood, and the music that shaped their lives. There were no bouncers, no security guards keeping the crowd away from the stage, and no police stationed around the exits. There were shell toes, Kangols, giant hoop earrings, I even saw a guy with overalls on with one strap hanging off.
Not only does the rap music of today pale in comparison to the music of my teenage years (yes Bill, I understand where you are coming from, even if your wife doesn't), but the fans suck too. If Lil Wayne raps in the woods and there is no one there to hear it, does it still suck? I can answer that question with a definitive "Yes!" Hip hop is not just rap; it is a culture...it is a way of life. MCing, graffiti, b-boying, and DJing all make up what it is that we call hip hop. So while Dr Seuss is in essence a rapper, it takes a lot more to be an MC. Everyone on stage at Fresh Fest was a certified MC. So, to Lil Wayne and all his little carbon copies...rap may indeed be what you do, but hip hop..hip hop is what I am.
NTelos Pavilion...keep doing what you do. You keep bringing Fresh Fest, and the true fans will keep coming. Everyone else in the area, take notes. Do the masses want to see 2 Chainz? I say nay nay. Bring us KRS One, Kwame, Dana Dane, Black Sheep...hip hop shows that are safe for us to attend. Let us enjoy QUALITY hip hop, and we will keep coming back. Until next time people...Stay Salty.
-Salty Dog

Thursday, August 2, 2012

What's My Name?

What? Yes, I am back again. Don't go getting all used to me being here every week..this has just been a busy time in interesting news.  This next piece of news may not catch any of your fancies, but as I have told you numerous times..this isn't about you! So what is it that brings me to the keyboard today? Is it to debate which is a more ridiculous Olympic sport; curling or handball? Is it to prepare you for the impending Zombie Apocalypse? (see www.torresvszombies.com) Is it once again to plead with you all to petition Netflix to show BJ and the Bear? Nay nay...what brings me here today is the question of "What's My Name?"

All of you who actually know me, know that I love hip hop. Not this new shit that they try to pass off as hip hop, but REAL old school hip hop. All the big hip hop artists are known by their rap names more than by their real names. Many of you now know the name Joseph Simmons because he had a TV show, but for decades he was known simply as RUN. To this day rapper, movie star, and TV star LL Cool J still goes by LL Cool J, rather than James Todd Smith. Andre Romelle Young has sold millions of albums under the name Dr. Dre, and he is still Dr. Dre. But those aren't the guys that brought me here. The ones that brought me to write are the ones that get so famous that they change their name. Not always their real name, but the one that made them famous; the one by which everyone knows them.

All of you, by now, should know my least favorite one of these people...PDDFL. For those new readers out there, that is Puff Diddy Daddy Farty Licky. I don't even know what name he is going by now, the last I heard it was Swag. Then there was Prince...well, the artist formerly known as Prince... or  call me Prince again..whatever that little purple clothes wearing midget is calling himself these days. It isn't limited to the rap industry, either...who remembers the name Chris Jackson? Sorry, Mahmoud Abdul Rauf. I won't go into Cassius Clay because you all knew him as Muhammad Ali, or Lew Alcindor because you all knew him as Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Garth Brooks as Chris Gaines? Yeah, that was a great career move. But today....today I am here to talk about someone you all know as Snoop D-O-double G. The Doggfather. No more! Has he found god? Nay. Has he made his pilgrimage to Mecca? Nay. Has he run out of "Dog" references? Nay nay...he went to Jamaica.

What the hell does going to Jamaica have to do with his name? Snoop went to Jamaica in February, and had a "spiritual awakening" (read: he got REALLY high). He was then rechristened (as if he was ever "christened" Snoop Dog) Snoop Lion by a Rastafarian priest. In a quote from Snoop (insert animal here) he said, “I didn't know that until I went to the temple, where the High Priest asked me what my name was, and I said, ‘Snoop Dogg.’ And he looked me in my eyes and said, ‘No more. You are the light; you are the lion.’ From that moment on, it's like I had started to understand why I was there.” So now, Snoop will bury the "Dogg" and embrace the "Lion". Are we all supposed to buy this shit? You have made your entire market around the use of the word Dogg, and the people have followed you. Now they are supposed to switch and start following the lead of Snoop Lion? Does that mean that your friend, and humble narrator should switch his name to Salty Lion? Nay nay, my good people..that means that Snoop (insert different animal here) has gone the way of PDDFL in my book.

When you become famous, it's like being at Cheers; everybody knows your (animal) name. When you become OVERLY famous, you become pretentious and you change your name to make people talk about you. No such thing as bad publicity I guess. No worries, my faithful few, if I ever become famous I will still be your Salty Dog. I will not forsake you all and become Salty Kitty, Salty Lion, Salty Snail, or EVER Salty PDDFL. Until next time.....Stay Salty.

-Salt Dog


Monday, July 23, 2012

Cows Hate Gay Community?

Welcome back true believers! I have just finished pouring steak sauce on my digital copy of Fifty Shades of Gray. The downside to that is that I now have to clean it out of my keyboard (the steak sauce that is). So what is it that brings fingers to those steak sauce coated keys today? Is it to declare to the world that Mitt Romney is an android of C-3PO proportions? Is it to talk about high waisted midgets wearing red pants? Is it once again to plead with you all to petition Netflix to stream BJ and the Bear? Nay nay.....it is to talk about the city that I hate most in the world (mostly for sports affiliation reasons); Boston, MA.

Let me start by stating that gay or straight, black or white, (or Olive...Terence) everyone should have the same rights in this country. This is the land of the free, the home of the brave...you know the song. If you live in this country; whether born here, immigrated here, floated here on a raft made of toilet paper rolls and old phone book pages...however you got here....you are here. Bring me your poor, your tired, your huddled massess yearning to be free? Anyone...ring any bells? But this is not about immigration, this is about Chick Fil A! How in the hell could this be about Chick Fil A? Let me begin the story....

Chick Fil A (great chicken sandwiches, slick marketing using the cows with sandwich boards) is a highly religious organization. They are closed on Sundays, they are family oriented, and when they serve you...it is their pleasure (just listen when you say "thank you"). The Chick Fil A President (Dan Cathy) has been on record stating that he (and his company) is pro god, and therefore anti-gay. I am not going to go in to a religious rant, even though religion makes good comedy. I am going to say that donating money to "anti-gay" organizations is not great for business, Danny Boy. I am not going to try to defend my statements by saying "I have gay friends", just like I would never defend racist statements by saying "I have black friends"...but I DO have friends..that happen to be gay. When it comes to my friends, it is like messing with my family....you aren't going to do it and get away with it. How does any of this relate to Boston?

May 17th, 2004 Massachusetts began allowing same sex marriages (strangely, then Robotic Governor Mitt Romney was at the helm). From this day on, Massachusetts has been (for lack of a better term) Gay Friendly. This is something that people have grown quite accustomed to. So, when Chick Fil A (anti-gay cows, remember?) decided that they wanted to open up shop in the metropolis that is Boston...Mayor Tom Menino said, you guessed it, "Nay nay". Does he have the power to keep out large companies that could help his local economy (and serve some mean chicken sandwiches) because he doesn't believe in what they stand for? Just ask Wal Mart. He kept them out of the area just because he didn't like their labor policies. Hmmm...Wal Mart...another bible thumping company kept out of Boston. I am beginning to like this guy Menino even more! So let us review here... religious grocery store? Nay. Religious chicken stand? Nay. Is Boston anti religion all of a sudden? Sorry, had to get a swipe in at the home of the hated Red Sox. I can't have you guys liking Boston all of a sudden.

Once again...chicken - good, gay hating cows - bad. Is this going to stop me from eating at Chick Fil A? Nay...I am not that politically motivated to do ANYTHING. Will I support Tom Menino is his decision to keep them out of Boston for the sake of preserving his "gay friendly" appearance? Hell yes. There is no one in this country that should be treated any differently just because they like members of the same sex. I think Dan Cathy is just upset that no gay guys have ever hit on him, and this is his way to get back at them. Just because he isn't gay (or is he a classic self loather?) doesn't mean he wouldn't like to get hit on to make him feel wanted! Okay children...it is time for me to make like a tree and get out of here. Until next time...Stay Salty!

-Salty Dog

Saturday, July 14, 2012

50 Shades of Grey and 1 Shade of Brown?

Welcome back everyone! It has been a few months since I have sat here and vented my complaints about the world to you....so I am back...from outer space...(sorry, possessed by Gloria Gaynor there for a second). And what is it that has brought me from the depths of homework and spending time with my family to the screen today? Is it that I have figured out how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? Is it that one half of the Airwolf crew died and it wasn't even in a blazing helicopter crash (what a let down)? Is it my ongoing battle to get BJ and the Bear on Netflix? Nay to the Nay. What brings me here today is the phenomenon that is "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Let me begin by saying, nay, I have not read these books. I don't have the desire to read them either; they are written for women, and that is who should read them. These books have been labelled "mom porn". The media is eating this up and making even MORE women want to run out and get this book. All every woman wants, be it mother, senator, nun....is to find out what is between the pages of these books! Whoever this woman's marketing person is, they need a raise! It isn't like this is the first women's porn book, or even the first with S&M (see Anne Rice's "Sleeping Beauty" trilogy), but this was related to Twilight...and you know how the women love them some sparkly vampires. This book was a work of Twilight fan fiction that went horribly...right, I guess. Fan fiction is a great thing...it's kind of like sitting around a campfire and exploring all of the "what ifs" from your favorite stories. For example...what if Bruce Wayne lost all of his money? Then you would branch from there...and eventually write a story of Broke Ass Batman...or something of the sort.

Now that you know about the book (as if you didn't already)...I can tell you what brought me here. It was not the book, itself, but  how it has apparently angered someone. Raymond Hodgson (31) of Carlisle, UK decided that he had a problem! His long time girlfriend (Emma McCormick...yes McCormick..ironic, but you don't know why yet) decided to start reading the passages of the book out loud  to him. Now let's pause here....has your significant other ever been reading and said, "listen to this...." and then proceeded to read to you the funny part? It is fairly normal for this to happen to couples. Okay...back to the lab... SO, this guy decides that what he is hearing is dirty and wrong, and his girlfriend shouldn't be reading it. An argument ensues and he leaves the premises.

Hodgson returned the next day after sleeping on it. Did he say, "it's just a book, why am I so upset?" Did he say, "I've seen some crazy porn in my day, that was nothing." Nay nay...he said, "Saucy? I'll show this bitch SAUCY!" So he gets in his car and drives over to Ms. McCormick's (irony coming soon!) home. He continues the argument and in an act of premeditated saucing, pulls out a bottle of steak sauce and squirts her in the face with it!  I wonder what brand of sauce it was....possibly McCormick's? Hodgson was ordered to pay her $150 in compensation and cover her $130 in legal fees, and given a 6pm curfew for a month and a half. The guy is 31 years old and has a 6pm curfew? Does he still live with his mom? Is this HER punishment for him?

Anyway...there is no message today, just a need to share the story about this dumbass. So until next time...keep reading the Fifty Shades books, stay away from sparkly vampires, and BJ and the Bear, dammit! Oh yeah...and Stay Salty!

-Salty Dog

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Cleanliness is Next to Drunkenness?

Welcome back friends and followers! What is it that brings fingers to keys on this fine Wednesday? Is it that the President slow jammed the news with Jimmy Fallon last night? Is it that I don't want to do my homework? Is it that I am still trying to come up with a petition to get BJ and the Bear on Netflix? Nay nay...although all of these things are true, they are not what today's topic is about. Today we ask the question "Is Cleanliness next to drunkenness?"

As confusing as that question may sound to most of you, there is a method to my madness. While strolling down the Facebook news feed this morning (which I do before I start my homework for the day) I found an article from Fort Wayne, Indiana posted by my friend Jim Green. It tells the story of how the teenage hicks from Indiana have taken to ingesting hand sanitizer. I laugh and think that this is some isolated incident of bored teenagers. I then Google this topic and find that it is a much larger issue than I initially thought. I find an ABC News article on kids in California doing the same thing (http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2012/04/teens-getting-drunk-on-hand-sanitizer/)

Our teens today have decided that rather than get someone with a fake ID, or steal some liquor from Dad's collection, they are going to start drinking hand sanitizer! What happened to the days of chugging NyQuil (we love you, you giant fucking Q!). Cough syrup tastes much better than hand sanitizer, one would think. But nay, the youth of today would rather drink cleaning agents than the original green death flavor of our beloved NyQuil. I recall being threatened with soap in my mouth for swearing when I was young...have these children not been scared the same way? How hard up for alcohol does one have to get to start looking at hand sanitizer and saying, "man, I sure could use a drink of THAT right now!"?

I can appreciate a teenager stealing a bottle from his/her parents' liquor cabinet. It is almost a rite of passage. As long as they aren't pouring it into their eyeball (see earlier blog Vodka Eyeballing). I would not be offended if a teen asked me to buy them some beer (not that I would..but I would not be offended). But to drink hand cleaner?? That isn't even creative, that's just stupid. Next they will be drinking gasoline because of ethanol percentage will have gotten high enough to entice them. Then again, a case of beer will be cheaper than a gallon of gasoline soon.

So here is a message from someone who has been there...there are much easier (and safer) ways to get drunk than products that are not made for consumption. This also covers huffing your own fermented shit (see earlier blog, I don't even want to get in to this again). Ask your older brother, ask your uncle, ask your buddy's brother...teenagers have been getting drunk under age for YEARS! Gather the wisdom of your elders...stop trying to invent things...you guys are doing it all wrong. Come on...huffing shit, pouring perfectly good liquor in your eyes, drinking hand cleaner... what's next? Licking your cat's ass? Stop while you are ahead...and still alive. Until next time... Stay Salty!

-Salty Dog

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Starbugs

Welcome back faithful few! It has been a bit since I have put fingers to keyboard..but I am here to deliver on Arnold's promise...I'm back. As many of you know, I am an old school coffee kind of guy. Starbucks is not my friend..I don't do snob coffee. I can handle Dunkin Donuts and their Al Pacino commercials for Dunkaccino before I will consider letting an Italian Bartender make my cup of Joe. So what is it that brings me back? Is it to discuss Tim Tebow ordering a Virgin Mary from a bar in New York City? Is it Rex Ryan choosing his starting quarterback by how sexy his feet are? Is it the fact that the Prince of Tides was neither about Princes nor Tides? Nay nay...it is once again, Starbucks!

Starbucks apparently has a new menu item. Strawberry Frappuccino. You can order this item in small, medium, or large...(just don't try to order it that way...they don't respond to English). What you can't order this item without though...is bugs. Cochineal bugs to be precise. What the hell is a cochineal bug? You may be asking yourself. Well let your friend and humble narrator show you!
This little bugger is killed, dried out, and crushed to make a pretty red powder. This red powder is used a dye for things. It is also recognized by the World Health Organization to cause allergic reactions and asthma in humans. Starbucks is trying to get away from using artificial colors and ingredients in their beverages...so instead they give you insects in their coffee?? I will take my FD&C Red Number 5 over some poison covered beetle any day!

For those of you who feel the need to drink your 5 dollar coffees because they come in a fancy cup with your name written on it....knock yourselves out. For this guy, this is just one more check in the column of Dunkin Donuts. Carry on, my wayward children. Until next time...Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

Monday, February 13, 2012

People Are People

Welcome back faithful few! I am sorry to disappoint, but I am not here today with a tirade. I was just cleaning around my computer room and I saw a picture of some friends and myself in front of the Naro Theater in Ghent. The majority of you reading have no idea what the Naro is, nor where in the hell Ghent is. Let me explain a little bit...The Naro Theater is a one screen movie theater with a stage and balcony. The performing group "Fishnet Inc." does a live rendition of the Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Naro 2-3 times a month. This is where the picture was taken.

When I look at the guys in this picture, it makes me think of the melting pot of friends and acquaintances I have come to acquire. One of them is gay, one of them weighs over 300 pounds, and one of them is a hillbilly. Now, if I were to further expand my collection of friends I would see that I have both gay and lesbian friends, Christian and Satanist friends, black and white friends, overweight and nearly anorexic friends, and old and young friends. I look back to high school...I had friends that were jocks, heads, preps, band geeks, nerds, closeted gays (it isn't like they could just be "out" in the late 80s in high school), and all other subclasses. This blog is for all of them (hell, there are many of those categories that I fall in as well....Satanist, overweight, geek, jock) and for me as well.

If you wear a XXL t-shirt or bigger, you are looked at like there is something wrong with you. If you believe that Jesus was something more than a character in a book (like Moby Dick) there are people who ridicule you. If you don't believe in Jesus at all, you are laughed at. If you are a guy that is attracted to other guys or a girl that is attracted to other girls you are called names, or beaten, and not afforded the rights of your heterosexual counterparts. If you speak with a Southern accent you are considered a redneck. If you speak with a Northern accent, you are considered a dumb Yankee. When we become adults, we find ways to deal with all of these issues. We shrug them off, we protest against the treatment, we hole up in our homes and shun the outside world...the list goes on.

In general, I could care less what people think about me. Let me qualify that statement. I don't care what people (who are not friends or family) think about me.I have told you all before that my friends and family are my life. I will do whatever I can to help them and keep them happy. Ignorant outsiders, I could give a shit. People that have issues with my friends (or me) for the way that they choose to live their life, or how they were born, or the things that they like (or don't like) drive me insane. I am not here to give them any of my time....I am here to tell my friends and family... The world will tell you who you are...until the point comes where you tell them.

I guess that is all I came here to say today. Just letting you all know that I am here, and I have heard you all when you have shown me your true colors. I accept all of you for who you are, just as you all accept me. Don't waste your time listening to the nay sayers...(just this here nay nay sayer). Don't let them tell you who you are....you tell them! Until next time...Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Flush, You Will

Welcome back faithful few! Hope your New Year has been going well, since it will be your last! That is if you believe in all of that 2012 garbage. For the rest of us...Happy Tuesday. What is it that brings me to you fine people today? Is it I cannot believe that the Republican candidate choices are a guy named Newt and another one named Mitt? Is it that I need you to sign a petition to get BJ and the Bear on Netflix? Is it that you got your chocolate in my peanut butter? Nay nay...I am here to ask what happened to public bathrooms.

Back in the day (which we all know was a Wednesday) a guy could go to a store or restaurant and use the bathroom. You walked in, did your business, flushed the toilet, turned on the hot water (because cold wouldn't get off whatever diseases were on the handles) then turn the paper towel roller twenty times to get a sheet of paper grocery bags to dry with. If, for some strange reason you had to do it, you used the crapper, you had that fancy piece of wax paper that was the shape of the toilet bowl seat. The one with the center piece that hung down in the water. When you completed that evolution, the process was the same; flush, wash, grocery bags. Try to find this setup now!

When entering the bathroom at one of the local eateries here, I sat down to give back the lunch that I had rented. Half way through my evolution, the toilet flushed! I guess I had reached the bowl's limit. In doing so, the water not only sprayed all over my arse, but shot up out of the toilet between my legs. While this is mildly disgusting, I continued my evolution. Upon completion, I turned to flush the toilet, but it flushed before I could even stand upright...again a tidal wave of shitter water. After leaving the commode, I went to wash my hands (and possibly the backs of my thighs) but there were no knobs on the sink. Most of you are thinking...well why don't you just put your hands under it and wait for the water? I know, right? That is exactly what I did...but no water. I was running my hands back and forth like I was DJ Jazzy Jeff on the ones and twos...to no avail. I could only assume that this was a special Jedi bathroom...and my midichlorion levels were very low that day.

Being the smart guy that I am, I checked the water valve and lo and behold...it was turned off. Was there a motion sensor that made the valve turn on? Nay nay..plain old, tried and true knob. I turn the water on that proceed to wet my hands. I then look for the soap dispenser. It is hanging on the wall, but there is no button to push to get soap. I waved my hand beneath it and told it these weren't the hands he was looking for. Magically, the soap appeared in my hands. By this time, the water had stopped running, so I had to coax the water back out of the faucet. Finally, time to get some paper bags to dry my hands with...same thing, stupid motion sensor. So instead of a sheet or two to dry with, I am greeted by 4 feet of brown grocery bag. I reach up to pull it off and another 4 feet shoots out! I finally exit the bathroom (although this time, there was no sensor to open the door for me) and continue with my day.

I am all for modernization. Work smarter, not harder. But when it comes to dropping the kids off at the pool...taking the Browns to the Super Bowl...releasing the chocolate hostages...whatever you want to call it.....we all learned the procedure looooong ago. Stop screwing with simple things and get me my flying car from the Jetsons already! Until next time....Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

Friday, January 6, 2012

Douche in a Toque





Welcome back loyal readers! Let us start the new year off with a bang! Let me first say that I am a PC guy, but I do own an iPod and an iPhone. I am not a Microsoft whore, nor am I an Apple enthusiast, I judge each device on what it can do for me. I am not brand prejudice in many things, but I am a Verizon loyalist. Why do you care about any of this? Is it because I am the definition of cool and you want to be like me? Is it because I am a known trendsetter and you want to keep up with the latest and greatest? Is it because I am a pretentious prick that wants everyone to know everything about me? Nay nay... It is because I am once again about to complain, and I don't want you to think I have an ax to grind with my brand's competitors. So where does this bring us?

I bought an iPhone when Verizon made them available back in February of last year (no, really, there was no Killers reference intended there). Last month the earpiece decided to stop working. I don't know if it was sympathizing with the NBA owners, or what...but I did know that it didn't work. I got tired of using my speaker phone for every conversation, so I took the phone to Verizon (since it was under warranty still). After having to "sign in" at the Verizon store and wait 10 minutes (no one else was in the store) I explain what happened to my phone. They proceed to tell me that they are not authorized to do anything with the iPhone except sell it. Apple has to handle all problems directly. I am informed that I must go to the Apple store in Norfolk. Okay, no worries...it is off to the Apple store!

I drive to the Apple store (in the uppity people's mall) and walk in the door to a store LOADED with people. This is on a Friday afternoon around 2:00. I am greeted by a guy wearing a red shirt, khaki shorts, and sandals. This is odd since it was December 30th and about 38 degrees outside. Anyway... the guy tells me that I have to make an appointment because they are overloaded at the current time. I assume that we will be going to a desk with a computer (since that is all that is in this store is desks full of computers) so he can make me an appointment. But nay nay...I am told to download the Apple Store App from...wait for it...the App Store! I download the app and set myself an appointment for Tuesday morning at 10:00. There was nothing available before then.

Tuesday morning, I arrive at the uppity people's mall and "check in" for my appointment with the Apple Store app. While waiting, I see that the only people in the store are 80 year old grandparents sitting in a semicircle being taught how to use the new iPads they were given for Christmas. I am then sent a message to my phone alerting me that "Dan" is ready to help me at the Genius Bar. I walk up to the Genius Bar (which is a desk with a giant Mac on it) and ask for Dan, since he is ready to help me. Leslie tells me that she is not sure that Dan is working today. I begin to question the naming of this bar as irony. Finally, Dan comes walking out with his iPad in hand and scrolls through to find my name. Dan is wearing a red shirt, khaki shorts, sandals, and a toque! As I look around the rest of the store, I notice everyone is wearing toques! Dan asks what the problem is, I tell him that the earpiece no longer works. He says he has to take the phone in the back and determine if it is a software or hardware issue. I explain to him that I have done all of the troubleshooting, and it is a hardware issue. He then takes my phone in the back for 15 minutes. I can only assume that the Geniuses gathered round and held a quickening to determine my problem. He returns to tell me that it is a hardware issue! Really, douche in a toque? I told you that 15 minutes ago!

Dan then tells me that he will replace my phone on the spot...score one point for the Geniuses... too bad they are down 6-0 by this point. He pulls out the new phone and tells me that I have to connect it to one of the 500 computers in the store and log in to my Verizon account to activate it. I activate the phone without issue. He then tells me that I should log in to the Apple Store hotspot so that I can restore my phone settings. At this point, he asks if we are done. I tell him nay nay...I am not leaving until my phone is ready to use. I restore my phone and he asks again if we are finished, I say nay nay, douche in a toque, I need to make a phone call to ensure the earpiece works. I finally complete the visit and am asked to sign a receipt for the new phone. Is this pen and paper? Is this one of those credit card machines with a fake pen? Nay nay...it is his damned iPad and I am supposed to sign my name with my finger! I complete this, with way too much effort, and tell him I have a question for him. Where are your socks? He replies that it would be silly to wear socks with sandals...yet he does not think it silly to wear a toque with shorts IN THE MALL!

After much study and contemplation, I can only assume that Starbucks and Apple train their employees together so that they can be sent to either establishment. Pretentious Fuck University rolls them out qualified not only as Italian Bartenders, but as GENIUSES as well! Needless to say, this is one more establishment that I will avoid like the plague. So if you all have hours to kill, and are looking for the latest styles in toque fashion, please feel free to roll into the Apple store. If you have a problem with your iPhone, suck it up and pay the insurance deductible just to save your sanity! Until next time....Stay Salty!

-Salty Dog