Cleanliness is Next to Drunkenness?

Welcome back friends and followers! What is it that brings fingers to keys on this fine Wednesday? Is it that the President slow jammed the news with Jimmy Fallon last night? Is it that I don't want to do my homework? Is it that I am still trying to come up with a petition to get BJ and the Bear on Netflix? Nay nay...although all of these things are true, they are not what today's topic is about. Today we ask the question "Is Cleanliness next to drunkenness?"

As confusing as that question may sound to most of you, there is a method to my madness. While strolling down the Facebook news feed this morning (which I do before I start my homework for the day) I found an article from Fort Wayne, Indiana posted by my friend Jim Green. It tells the story of how the teenage hicks from Indiana have taken to ingesting hand sanitizer. I laugh and think that this is some isolated incident of bored teenagers. I then Google this topic and find that it is a much larger issue than I initially thought. I find an ABC News article on kids in California doing the same thing (http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2012/04/teens-getting-drunk-on-hand-sanitizer/)

Our teens today have decided that rather than get someone with a fake ID, or steal some liquor from Dad's collection, they are going to start drinking hand sanitizer! What happened to the days of chugging NyQuil (we love you, you giant fucking Q!). Cough syrup tastes much better than hand sanitizer, one would think. But nay, the youth of today would rather drink cleaning agents than the original green death flavor of our beloved NyQuil. I recall being threatened with soap in my mouth for swearing when I was young...have these children not been scared the same way? How hard up for alcohol does one have to get to start looking at hand sanitizer and saying, "man, I sure could use a drink of THAT right now!"?

I can appreciate a teenager stealing a bottle from his/her parents' liquor cabinet. It is almost a rite of passage. As long as they aren't pouring it into their eyeball (see earlier blog Vodka Eyeballing). I would not be offended if a teen asked me to buy them some beer (not that I would..but I would not be offended). But to drink hand cleaner?? That isn't even creative, that's just stupid. Next they will be drinking gasoline because of ethanol percentage will have gotten high enough to entice them. Then again, a case of beer will be cheaper than a gallon of gasoline soon.

So here is a message from someone who has been there...there are much easier (and safer) ways to get drunk than products that are not made for consumption. This also covers huffing your own fermented shit (see earlier blog, I don't even want to get in to this again). Ask your older brother, ask your uncle, ask your buddy's brother...teenagers have been getting drunk under age for YEARS! Gather the wisdom of your elders...stop trying to invent things...you guys are doing it all wrong. Come on...huffing shit, pouring perfectly good liquor in your eyes, drinking hand cleaner... what's next? Licking your cat's ass? Stop while you are ahead...and still alive. Until next time... Stay Salty!

-Salty Dog