Olympics

Okay true believers, we took a brief time out at a mental rest stop, now it is time to get back on the road. Many of us are watching the 2010 Winter Olympic Games from Vancouver, BC. Is it because the games are exciting or is it because that is all that is on? Let us investigate some of these "sports" they are shoving down our throats.

Biathlon. Ski for 4 miles and then lay down (with skis on!) and shoot. Every target you miss, you are forced to ski a penalty lap. This is possibly the dumbest event I have ever watched. Luge. Cruising down a bobsled track at 90 mph with an ice skate in your ass. This is the second most insane event in the Olympics (skeleton is the same event except you are laying on your stomach). Curling. This is kind of like shuffleboard for younger people...and on ice. I will not bad mouth this event because for some strange reason, I find it entertaining.

The purpose of today's blog isn't to talk trash about the Winter Olympics, but to come up with some ideas for events that would be more fun to watch. It is all about television ratings in the end, isn't it? Let's come up with events that you would just HAVE to watch. First event? Snowball Fighting. All snowballs would be pre-made so that nations that don't normally see snow would not be at a disadvantage. The snowballs would be placed at the center of the field and teams would start at their own endline (comparable to dodgeball). When the whistle blows, teams would run to the center and retrieve their snowballs and fire away. Again, dodgeball rules would apply here; if you catch a snowball, the opponent is out. Last man standing's country moves on to the next round.

Next event? Extreme Snowblowing. Split a football field full of snow at the 50 yard line. This would be a relay event, each member responsible for 10 yards of snow. The key here is the rocks and assorted children's toys that would be placed under the snow. This would make the event authentic. Launch a Hot Wheels car at your opponent to slow them down. Jamming and restarting of your snowblower costs you time and causes more excitement.

Where do we go from there? Snowsuit Donning. Flashback to when you were a kid (especially those of us who grew up in the snow). We are talking full snowsuit here, from the moon boots with the Wonder bread bags inside (gotta waterproof your feet), to the snow pants with suspenders, t-shirt, sweatshirt, big ass coat, gloves, scarf, and ski mask. In order to be fully dressed in this event, you must have all the holes in the ski mask lined up properly. No noses in the mouth hole! Once fully dressed and inspected, you have to disrobe. Kicking your Moon Boots off and dislodging the Wonderbread bags is a 10 second penalty.

I am open to suggestions on other events, but some of the ones we are being forced to watch have to go. Once we establish an updated list of stuff that we want to see, we will start a petition and forward results to the President of the Olympic Committee. I propose we start now to have a shot at the next Winter Games. To quote Jim Bruer in Half Baked..."Who's comin with me, man?" Until next time, my faithful minions....

-Salty Dog