Flush, You Will

Welcome back faithful few! Hope your New Year has been going well, since it will be your last! That is if you believe in all of that 2012 garbage. For the rest of us...Happy Tuesday. What is it that brings me to you fine people today? Is it I cannot believe that the Republican candidate choices are a guy named Newt and another one named Mitt? Is it that I need you to sign a petition to get BJ and the Bear on Netflix? Is it that you got your chocolate in my peanut butter? Nay nay...I am here to ask what happened to public bathrooms.

Back in the day (which we all know was a Wednesday) a guy could go to a store or restaurant and use the bathroom. You walked in, did your business, flushed the toilet, turned on the hot water (because cold wouldn't get off whatever diseases were on the handles) then turn the paper towel roller twenty times to get a sheet of paper grocery bags to dry with. If, for some strange reason you had to do it, you used the crapper, you had that fancy piece of wax paper that was the shape of the toilet bowl seat. The one with the center piece that hung down in the water. When you completed that evolution, the process was the same; flush, wash, grocery bags. Try to find this setup now!

When entering the bathroom at one of the local eateries here, I sat down to give back the lunch that I had rented. Half way through my evolution, the toilet flushed! I guess I had reached the bowl's limit. In doing so, the water not only sprayed all over my arse, but shot up out of the toilet between my legs. While this is mildly disgusting, I continued my evolution. Upon completion, I turned to flush the toilet, but it flushed before I could even stand upright...again a tidal wave of shitter water. After leaving the commode, I went to wash my hands (and possibly the backs of my thighs) but there were no knobs on the sink. Most of you are thinking...well why don't you just put your hands under it and wait for the water? I know, right? That is exactly what I did...but no water. I was running my hands back and forth like I was DJ Jazzy Jeff on the ones and twos...to no avail. I could only assume that this was a special Jedi bathroom...and my midichlorion levels were very low that day.

Being the smart guy that I am, I checked the water valve and lo and behold...it was turned off. Was there a motion sensor that made the valve turn on? Nay nay..plain old, tried and true knob. I turn the water on that proceed to wet my hands. I then look for the soap dispenser. It is hanging on the wall, but there is no button to push to get soap. I waved my hand beneath it and told it these weren't the hands he was looking for. Magically, the soap appeared in my hands. By this time, the water had stopped running, so I had to coax the water back out of the faucet. Finally, time to get some paper bags to dry my hands with...same thing, stupid motion sensor. So instead of a sheet or two to dry with, I am greeted by 4 feet of brown grocery bag. I reach up to pull it off and another 4 feet shoots out! I finally exit the bathroom (although this time, there was no sensor to open the door for me) and continue with my day.

I am all for modernization. Work smarter, not harder. But when it comes to dropping the kids off at the pool...taking the Browns to the Super Bowl...releasing the chocolate hostages...whatever you want to call it.....we all learned the procedure looooong ago. Stop screwing with simple things and get me my flying car from the Jetsons already! Until next time....Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog