Fat Boys Are Back

Welcome back, faithful few. It is that time of year when everyone sets unrealistic goals that they have no plans of following through on. But, as many of you may be saying to yourself now, "This year is going to be different!" So what brings fingers to keys? Is it the death of a dumb ass paparazzo trying to catch Justin Bieber smoking weed in his Ferrari? Is it to compare the fiscal cliff to Clifford the Big Red Dog? Is it to chastise you all for not getting me the BJ and the Bear series for Christmas? Let's start this year off with a hearty "Nay Nay". I am here today to talk about how fat I've gotten, and what I am going to do about it.

When I joined the Navy in 1991 I was 19 years old and 137lbs. Now, for those of you that knew me back then, you know I was a bit underweight. After 18 years of marriage (read: good eating), 4 knee surgeries (read: no exercise), and being 41 years old (read: just plain lazy) I have reached Hindenburg proportions and now tip the scales at 257lbs! I understand that as we get older, our metabolism slows and blah blah blah...I have become a member of the Disco Three (read: Fat Boys). The fact that it is early January has nothing to do with my plan to reach a healthier weight of 185.  The mirror was the driving force more than the time of year.

I have a new pool, and I refuse to be sunning myself poolside and have to worry about Greenpeace rushing in to my yard and pushing me back in the water. I do not wish to be featured on an episode of Whale Wars. I will instead, starve myself, drink enough water to drown a fish, buy one of those belt driven fat machines (seen here), or whatever it takes to get myself back to fighting weight. My plan is to be down around 200 by Summer. For any of you (like Bill) who are on this journey with me...let's kick some fat ass! Don't do it because it's January and you think you are supposed to. Don't do it because Jessica Simpson is on TV telling you that SHE did it. Do it because you know, and can admit, that you are a fat ass and you need to change. For all of you guys out there...as you recall, Mix-A-Lot likes big butts. Do you want to be on his list? Are you looking to make your woman check you out, or do you want to hook up with Mix-A-Lot?  Either way is cool with me, but is Mix on my list? I say nay nay.

So fat people of the world UNITE...it is time to lose the weight. And I swear, if I get down to 185 SOMEBODY had better get me the BJ and the Bear series on DVD. Until next time people...Stay Salty!

-Salty Dog

Ho Ho Ho...Merry Christmas My Foot

Welcome back, faithful few! It has been a little bit since I have put fingers to keys, but I am here for my second annual Christmas post. Last year I wrote about my distaste for the way people act around "the Season", and wonder why they can't be like that all year round....amongst other things. We are not here to rehash last year's blog though. So then why are we here? Is it to talk about who is better; Heat Miser or Snow Miser? Is it to debate white lights or colored lights for the Christmas tree? Is it to ask all of you to combine your efforts to get me the complete BJ and the Bear series on DVD? I say nay nay....well except for the last one, of course. It is a Christmas poll question! Come on, everyone loves poll questions. This time around, the question is, "what is your favorite Christmas movie?" We aren't going to get into television shows, but any movie that is about Christmas, or takes place with Christmas as a backdrop qualifies.

How is it that I could ask you all to tell me your favorite without me first telling you mine? It is impossible! So...my favorite Christmas movie is set in the South Bronx in 1984. The movie follows Kenny, his brother Lee, and Kenny's friends Ramon and Chollie. Kenny is the local DJ for house parties, but he lands a job at Kool Herc's club; The Burning Spear. During this scene, Kenny introduces one of the acts...which turns out to be The Treacherous Three featuring Doug E Fresh. Watch the scene here Kenny's performance earns him a New Year's Eve gig at the Roxy, and leads to the ending scene of the film. So my movie takes place all through the Christmas season. The movie, for those of you who still are unfamiliar..is Beat Street.

How can Beat Street be my favorite Christmas movie? Because it contains some of my favorite things....classic rap, break dancing, graffiti, and Doug E Fresh! What could make a Christmas movie any better? I hear all of these people saying that It's A Wonderful Life is the greatest Christmas movie of all time. Are you kidding me? That movie is soooooo slow, and at times very boring. There are no boring scenes in Beat Street! I understand that not everyone likes what I like, but you won't know until you try! Beat Street is streaming on Netflix, so for those of you who have never seen it..and have Netflix...go ahead and watch it. It is a Christmas movie, after all. Plus, how many times can you really watch A Christmas Story? I am sure that one of your cable channels will be running it again... and again...and again in the next few days. Take some time to watch (for many of you) a NEW Christmas film, and the Salty one is serving it up to you on a silver platter.

So, to recap....Beat Street good....Wonderful Life bad. But, that is just one guy's opinion....I came here to ask for yours. What is your favorite Christmas movie? If you haven't seen Beat Street yet, I will take your answer with a grain of Salt. Oh, and don't forget your friend and humble narrator when the 25th rolls around....I really wasn't kidding about that BJ and the Bear thing. Until next time... Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

A Parent's Response

WHEN 6 AND 7 YEAR OLD CHILDREN ARE GUNNED DOWN IN THEIR SCHOOL, THE ANSWER IS NOT "IF WE HAD PRAYER IN SCHOOL, THIS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED." STOP TAKING TRAGIC, HEART WRENCHING SITUATIONS AND USING THEM TO THROW AROUND YOUR RELIGION. FUCK YOU, FOX NEWS. FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.
-Salty Dog