Welcome back everyone! It has been a few months since I have sat here and vented my complaints about the world to you....so I am back...from outer space...(sorry, possessed by Gloria Gaynor there for a second). And what is it that has brought me from the depths of homework and spending time with my family to the screen today? Is it that I have figured out how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? Is it that one half of the Airwolf crew died and it wasn't even in a blazing helicopter crash (what a let down)? Is it my ongoing battle to get BJ and the Bear on Netflix? Nay to the Nay. What brings me here today is the phenomenon that is "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Let me begin by saying, nay, I have not read these books. I don't have the desire to read them either; they are written for women, and that is who should read them. These books have been labelled "mom porn". The media is eating this up and making even MORE women want to run out and get this book. All every woman wants, be it mother, senator, nun....is to find out what is between the pages of these books! Whoever this woman's marketing person is, they need a raise! It isn't like this is the first women's porn book, or even the first with S&M (see Anne Rice's "Sleeping Beauty" trilogy), but this was related to Twilight...and you know how the women love them some sparkly vampires. This book was a work of Twilight fan fiction that went horribly...right, I guess. Fan fiction is a great thing...it's kind of like sitting around a campfire and exploring all of the "what ifs" from your favorite stories. For example...what if Bruce Wayne lost all of his money? Then you would branch from there...and eventually write a story of Broke Ass Batman...or something of the sort.
Now that you know about the book (as if you didn't already)...I can tell you what brought me here. It was not the book, itself, but how it has apparently angered someone. Raymond Hodgson (31) of Carlisle, UK decided that he had a problem! His long time girlfriend (Emma McCormick...yes McCormick..ironic, but you don't know why yet) decided to start reading the passages of the book out loud to him. Now let's pause here....has your significant other ever been reading and said, "listen to this...." and then proceeded to read to you the funny part? It is fairly normal for this to happen to couples. Okay...back to the lab... SO, this guy decides that what he is hearing is dirty and wrong, and his girlfriend shouldn't be reading it. An argument ensues and he leaves the premises.
Hodgson returned the next day after sleeping on it. Did he say, "it's just a book, why am I so upset?" Did he say, "I've seen some crazy porn in my day, that was nothing." Nay nay...he said, "Saucy? I'll show this bitch SAUCY!" So he gets in his car and drives over to Ms. McCormick's (irony coming soon!) home. He continues the argument and in an act of premeditated saucing, pulls out a bottle of steak sauce and squirts her in the face with it! I wonder what brand of sauce it was....possibly McCormick's? Hodgson was ordered to pay her $150 in compensation and cover her $130
in legal fees, and given a 6pm curfew for a month and a half. The guy is 31 years old and has a 6pm curfew? Does he still live with his mom? Is this HER punishment for him?
Anyway...there is no message today, just a need to share the story about this dumbass. So until next time...keep reading the Fifty Shades books, stay away from sparkly vampires, and BJ and the Bear, dammit! Oh yeah...and Stay Salty!
-Salty Dog
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Cleanliness is Next to Drunkenness?
Welcome back friends and followers! What is it that brings fingers to keys on this fine Wednesday? Is it that the President slow jammed the news with Jimmy Fallon last night? Is it that I don't want to do my homework? Is it that I am still trying to come up with a petition to get BJ and the Bear on Netflix? Nay nay...although all of these things are true, they are not what today's topic is about. Today we ask the question "Is Cleanliness next to drunkenness?"
As confusing as that question may sound to most of you, there is a method to my madness. While strolling down the Facebook news feed this morning (which I do before I start my homework for the day) I found an article from Fort Wayne, Indiana posted by my friend Jim Green. It tells the story of how the teenage hicks from Indiana have taken to ingesting hand sanitizer. I laugh and think that this is some isolated incident of bored teenagers. I then Google this topic and find that it is a much larger issue than I initially thought. I find an ABC News article on kids in California doing the same thing (http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2012/04/teens-getting-drunk-on-hand-sanitizer/)
Our teens today have decided that rather than get someone with a fake ID, or steal some liquor from Dad's collection, they are going to start drinking hand sanitizer! What happened to the days of chugging NyQuil (we love you, you giant fucking Q!). Cough syrup tastes much better than hand sanitizer, one would think. But nay, the youth of today would rather drink cleaning agents than the original green death flavor of our beloved NyQuil. I recall being threatened with soap in my mouth for swearing when I was young...have these children not been scared the same way? How hard up for alcohol does one have to get to start looking at hand sanitizer and saying, "man, I sure could use a drink of THAT right now!"?
I can appreciate a teenager stealing a bottle from his/her parents' liquor cabinet. It is almost a rite of passage. As long as they aren't pouring it into their eyeball (see earlier blog Vodka Eyeballing). I would not be offended if a teen asked me to buy them some beer (not that I would..but I would not be offended). But to drink hand cleaner?? That isn't even creative, that's just stupid. Next they will be drinking gasoline because of ethanol percentage will have gotten high enough to entice them. Then again, a case of beer will be cheaper than a gallon of gasoline soon.
So here is a message from someone who has been there...there are much easier (and safer) ways to get drunk than products that are not made for consumption. This also covers huffing your own fermented shit (see earlier blog, I don't even want to get in to this again). Ask your older brother, ask your uncle, ask your buddy's brother...teenagers have been getting drunk under age for YEARS! Gather the wisdom of your elders...stop trying to invent things...you guys are doing it all wrong. Come on...huffing shit, pouring perfectly good liquor in your eyes, drinking hand cleaner... what's next? Licking your cat's ass? Stop while you are ahead...and still alive. Until next time... Stay Salty!
-Salty Dog
As confusing as that question may sound to most of you, there is a method to my madness. While strolling down the Facebook news feed this morning (which I do before I start my homework for the day) I found an article from Fort Wayne, Indiana posted by my friend Jim Green. It tells the story of how the teenage hicks from Indiana have taken to ingesting hand sanitizer. I laugh and think that this is some isolated incident of bored teenagers. I then Google this topic and find that it is a much larger issue than I initially thought. I find an ABC News article on kids in California doing the same thing (http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2012/04/teens-getting-drunk-on-hand-sanitizer/)
Our teens today have decided that rather than get someone with a fake ID, or steal some liquor from Dad's collection, they are going to start drinking hand sanitizer! What happened to the days of chugging NyQuil (we love you, you giant fucking Q!). Cough syrup tastes much better than hand sanitizer, one would think. But nay, the youth of today would rather drink cleaning agents than the original green death flavor of our beloved NyQuil. I recall being threatened with soap in my mouth for swearing when I was young...have these children not been scared the same way? How hard up for alcohol does one have to get to start looking at hand sanitizer and saying, "man, I sure could use a drink of THAT right now!"?
I can appreciate a teenager stealing a bottle from his/her parents' liquor cabinet. It is almost a rite of passage. As long as they aren't pouring it into their eyeball (see earlier blog Vodka Eyeballing). I would not be offended if a teen asked me to buy them some beer (not that I would..but I would not be offended). But to drink hand cleaner?? That isn't even creative, that's just stupid. Next they will be drinking gasoline because of ethanol percentage will have gotten high enough to entice them. Then again, a case of beer will be cheaper than a gallon of gasoline soon.
So here is a message from someone who has been there...there are much easier (and safer) ways to get drunk than products that are not made for consumption. This also covers huffing your own fermented shit (see earlier blog, I don't even want to get in to this again). Ask your older brother, ask your uncle, ask your buddy's brother...teenagers have been getting drunk under age for YEARS! Gather the wisdom of your elders...stop trying to invent things...you guys are doing it all wrong. Come on...huffing shit, pouring perfectly good liquor in your eyes, drinking hand cleaner... what's next? Licking your cat's ass? Stop while you are ahead...and still alive. Until next time... Stay Salty!
-Salty Dog
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Starbugs
Welcome back faithful few! It has been a bit since I have put fingers to keyboard..but I am here to deliver on Arnold's promise...I'm back. As many of you know, I am an old school coffee kind of guy. Starbucks is not my friend..I don't do snob coffee. I can handle Dunkin Donuts and their Al Pacino commercials for Dunkaccino before I will consider letting an Italian Bartender make my cup of Joe. So what is it that brings me back? Is it to discuss Tim Tebow ordering a Virgin Mary from a bar in New York City? Is it Rex Ryan choosing his starting quarterback by how sexy his feet are? Is it the fact that the Prince of Tides was neither about Princes nor Tides? Nay nay...it is once again, Starbucks!
Starbucks apparently has a new menu item. Strawberry Frappuccino. You can order this item in small, medium, or large...(just don't try to order it that way...they don't respond to English). What you can't order this item without though...is bugs. Cochineal bugs to be precise. What the hell is a cochineal bug? You may be asking yourself. Well let your friend and humble narrator show you!
This little bugger is killed, dried out, and crushed to make a pretty red powder. This red powder is used a dye for things. It is also recognized by the World Health Organization to cause allergic reactions and asthma in humans. Starbucks is trying to get away from using artificial colors and ingredients in their beverages...so instead they give you insects in their coffee?? I will take my FD&C Red Number 5 over some poison covered beetle any day!
For those of you who feel the need to drink your 5 dollar coffees because they come in a fancy cup with your name written on it....knock yourselves out. For this guy, this is just one more check in the column of Dunkin Donuts. Carry on, my wayward children. Until next time...Stay Salty.
-Salty Dog
Starbucks apparently has a new menu item. Strawberry Frappuccino. You can order this item in small, medium, or large...(just don't try to order it that way...they don't respond to English). What you can't order this item without though...is bugs. Cochineal bugs to be precise. What the hell is a cochineal bug? You may be asking yourself. Well let your friend and humble narrator show you!
For those of you who feel the need to drink your 5 dollar coffees because they come in a fancy cup with your name written on it....knock yourselves out. For this guy, this is just one more check in the column of Dunkin Donuts. Carry on, my wayward children. Until next time...Stay Salty.
-Salty Dog
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