Planet Bling

Welcome back true believers! While reading the news of the weird (some of you may know it as BBC News) I found myself something to write about. I have the time to just sit around and read BBC News, because unlike most of you...I am retired! Not rubbing that in or anything...well maybe a little bit. Anyway...50 light years away from our little home here is a white dwarf known as "Lucy". "Why would anyone name a white dwarf Lucy?", you may ask. Is it because she is a little version of Lucille Ball? I say nay nay. The star is named after the Beatles song "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds". Let us explore why....

The giant star has an interior made mostly of carbon, and it is constantly pulsating. Which means that the core is now the largest diamond in the world. How far are we away from Young Jeezy or Lil Weezy (who incidentally were named after their mother Weezy Jeezy...better known as Weezy Jefferson...nod to Bill) writing a song about Planet Bling? Excuse me while I beat them to the punch.

Planet Bling

Look up in the sky,

What is that thing?,

don't you know y'all

that's Planet Bling!

Got my whip in the shop,

that's gonna cause me trouble,

on how to get to Planet Bling,

guess I need a space shuttle,

Gonna bring my mining gear,

like Armageddon with Affleck,

get a chunk of that diamond,

and wear it round my neck,

Okay, that is enough...don't want to give you too much before it hits the streets. I guess the point of all this mess is...who cares about a burnt out sun that is 5 light years away from us? Ooooh, now we know that when our sun burns out in a couple million years, that it too will have a giant diamond at its core. Who cares? People who are getting paid way too much money to study stuff like this. These are the same people that pissed me off when they kicked Pluto out of the planet club. Somewhere right now, there is a Kardashian sister trying to get their boyfriend to buy them this planet so that they can have it made into a ring. So, what do we do about Planet Bling? I say we ignore it...at least until my song comes out! Until next time...Stay Salty.

101 Uses For Fat

Welcome back true believers. In my semi retired state, I have had a lot of extra time on my hands. With extra time, comes lots of news. News on television, news in paper form, and news on the google machine. What I have been seeing a lot of lately is the status of "Fat America". Myself, I just consider this as part of the "land of milk and honey". If you want to be fat...be fat! Afterall....fat is the new 30! As many of you know, I was overly skinny in my younger days. I mean TOO skinny...but no worries, I have made up for that over the years. I know that there are many of you out there thinking the same thing. It is your right to get as fat as you want, or not to (don't want to alienate the skinny folks). What the hell am I rattling about now, you might ask?

Fat Americans are becoming geniuses! What I am about to share with you all may seem like it conflicts with what I just said...but that is only because the story takes place in Edmond, Oklahoma. Yes, Terence, just an hour and a half's tractor ride away from you! Two women were arrested for shoplifting and police say they used their bodies to conceal the goods. Edmond police authorities say it was at the Edmond TJ Maxx that loss prevention officers found the duo stuffing items under their belly fat and breasts. Now this, in itself should be disturbing enough...but wait...there's more!

What could be more disturbing than trying to steal things from a store by jamming them under your gut fat? Is it the fact that this was possible at all? Nay nay...it is WHAT they tried to steal! They say they took four pair of boots, three pair of jeans, a wallet and gloves; $2,600 worth of store merchandise. How huge would these women have had to be to hide four pair of boots under their belly fat???? Let alone three pair of jeans! These are not small items, people! How in the blue hell do you even come up with this idea, let alone think that you could carry out that much bulk without being noticed? Is it an Oklahoma thing? Is it a sense of entitlement? Is it 101 uses for fat? Someone PLEASE tell me how someone could think that this would work? It won't be the two women in O-klahoma....they are busy going to jail.


Fat America is okay with me...it is Idiot America that I can't stand. It is not okay to laugh at fat people...but it sure is fun to laugh at fat STUPID people! Laughs are on me today, everyone...just do me one favor...Stay the hell away from O-klahoma! Until next time...Stay Salty.