Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People

Welcome back, dark passengers. Many of you know of my love of crappy movies. I have a large selection of Troma films, from Toxic Avenger, to Redneck Zombies, to Chopper Chicks in Zombietown. You see the pattern here..movies that you would all run away from, just by reading the name. I was first in line to rent Snakes on a Plane when it hit Lackluster Video because I knew that it was Snakes on a Plane. It wasn't "Oh look, it is a new Sam Jackson film, this should be great!" No, it was exactly what it said it was...Snakes on a Mother F'n Plane.

Nothing drives me to these films more than a good title. Zombie, From Beyond, Mutant, Giant, Alien, these are all words that will immediately catch my attention. I know that these movies will not be the cinematic tour de force that Titanic, Avatar, or any other one word James Cameron movie were...but they always turn out to be fun movies good for a laugh or two. I understand that these movies will be horribly made, badly acted, and a budget less than my kids school lunch bill for the year....but I keep coming back for more! Let me bring you up to speed on the masterpiece that was my latest foray into the world of Less Than B Movies.

Patton Oswalt is one of my favorite comedians. For those of you who don't know the name, he was the voice of Remy in Ratatouille, he was Spence on King of Queens...got the visual now? Patton Oswalt has a bit about how he has written 4 screenplays and sold them to major studios. But there was one that he DIDN'T write, that he wanted to discuss with the audience....Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People. So, since it was SUCH a funny bit, I decided that I would procure this film, and watch it in its entirety.

My friend Bill (many of you know him as well....Bill Winters) came down to Virginia to attend the greatest concert of the last 20 years (Fresh Fest) with me. Bill has heard the same bit from Mr. Oswalt, and was equally as intrigued. Upon his arrival in Virginia, the mailman had delivered Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People. We looked at the disk...looked harmless enough, but we had to wait for the right moment, the proper state of mind, for the planets to allign properly....for us to watch this masterpiece! Fresh Fest ended, we were wired for sound, we drank a couple of 40s of Old English 800, and were mentally prepared (or so we thought) for Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People. My friends....let me tell you...NOTHING can mentally prepare you for this film. But.....it was all that I had hoped it would be!

The narrator for the film is trapped inside the wall of the room, behind a painting of the bed. He states that he has been there since he died. Okay, I am already confused, but going along for the ride. There is nothing in the room of this abandoned house except...you guessed it...Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People. The bed is sleeping when we first see it. How do we know it is sleeping? It is snoring!! There are a series of deaths, I will not go into any detail, for I do not wish to ruin the film for all of you. Each death is labelled. BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER, and...wait for it..JUST DESSERT. The fantastic part about this film is that the bed is the best actor out of them all! I believe his character. I feel his pain. I want to help him and destroy him at the same time! Never has such an awful film driven me to such feeling!

I recommend you all go to Netflix (or your local video provider) and rent Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People. If for no other reason than to read the description on the box. Someone worked long and hard to make this film, and for it not to be viewed by everyone in America is a tragic waste. So until next time true believers....Stay Salty.