Insomniac Entertainment

Welcome back true believers! I have been away from my blog page for some time now, as I have had nothing to complain about. Nothing has moved me to put pen to paper... or mash on a keyboard UNTIL NOW! If you act in the next 20 minutes, cuz I can't do this all night, you will feel my pain.

Whether it be the insane pain in my knee, the medication I am taking for it, or just plain old, run of the mill insomnia...I can't sleep. This has been going on for a couple of weeks now, and it is driving me nuts. It is now 2:30 a.m., and as many of you may know...there is nothing on television at this hour. What else is there to do when you are wide awake at an hour like this? Reading just hurts my eyes, you can only do so much on the google machine to keep you interested...so I resort to the old stand by; the television.

Strolling through the channels, there is a myriad of crap to look at. Nothing that will keep your interest for more than 2 or 3 minutes, so I continue flipping. Then, out of nowhere...my savior! "Hey guys, it's Vince...you know me". Now, I know some guys named Vince. Vince was Tom Cruise's name in The Color of Money, Vince Lombardi, Vince Neil, Vincent Price (although I never heard him called Vince), this list could go on forever. Does it though? Nay Nay. This is your old friend Vince Shlomi. "Who in the blue hell is Vince Shlomi?", you may ask. Vince Shlomi is the guy that tells you, "it's made from a German fiber. Come on, you know the German's make great stuff." You've got it...it is the ShamWow guy! You know him..the guy that looks like he has Bell's Palsy and sounds like he is from the Bronx. He is actually from Haifa, Israel and his name isn't Vince..but that doesn't matter at 2:30 in the morning, does it?

Is our buddy Not Vince selling me the wonderful ShamWow? Nay Nay. He is offering me the next great invention (this time not from Germany) the Slap Chop! What in the hell is that? Well..The Slap Chop is a manual chopper machine that works when you slap the plunger part. Every slap triggers the 3 blades below to chop and cut the food. The more you slap the Slap Chop, the finer the food gets. Today you can get the Slap Chop and Graty for just $19.95 plus $7.95 shipping and handling. But that's not all! You'll also get a 2nd Slap Chop and Graty set for FREE, just pay $7.95 to cover the shipping and handling fee! The Graty for cheese comes with 2 blades, fine and coarse. Place any kind of cheese in the container, turn and press the black top twister and the cheese comes right out for omelets, salads and pasta. I plan to challenge this claim of "any kind of cheese"..I think I will use Cottage Cheese. Maybe Ricotta.

How in the hell have you lived without this wonderful device? Oh yeah, because we have this thing called technology! We make things smaller, faster, less dependent on human interaction as possible. Imagine if you will...Vince selling you a television that doesn't need a remote control. One that comes with a dial on the front that, when turned, would tune in a different program! Or the No Misdial Telephone. Each number has a hole where you can stick your finger and rotate it. That way you were sure which number you were dialing each step of the way. No chance at pushing a 5 instead of an 8, or a 4 instead of a 7. Put your finger in the hole..and away you go!

While infomercials do indeed give an insomniac something to watch, I find myself so pissed off at 1. the poor quality of the commercial. 2. the sheer hatred of the pitch man. 3. the stupidity of the product itself. So pissed off that I CAN'T sleep, even if I wanted to. I would like to find Vince and club him like a baby seal. Okay, enough about that..I am off to surf more channels in hopes of finding Ron Popiel because I am kind of hungry. Maybe I will run into Avril Lavigne or Jessica Simpson along the way talking about the acne they had before they found ProActiv and it made them famous. Until next time ladies and gents...Stay Salty!