Flush, You Will

Welcome back faithful few! Hope your New Year has been going well, since it will be your last! That is if you believe in all of that 2012 garbage. For the rest of us...Happy Tuesday. What is it that brings me to you fine people today? Is it I cannot believe that the Republican candidate choices are a guy named Newt and another one named Mitt? Is it that I need you to sign a petition to get BJ and the Bear on Netflix? Is it that you got your chocolate in my peanut butter? Nay nay...I am here to ask what happened to public bathrooms.

Back in the day (which we all know was a Wednesday) a guy could go to a store or restaurant and use the bathroom. You walked in, did your business, flushed the toilet, turned on the hot water (because cold wouldn't get off whatever diseases were on the handles) then turn the paper towel roller twenty times to get a sheet of paper grocery bags to dry with. If, for some strange reason you had to do it, you used the crapper, you had that fancy piece of wax paper that was the shape of the toilet bowl seat. The one with the center piece that hung down in the water. When you completed that evolution, the process was the same; flush, wash, grocery bags. Try to find this setup now!

When entering the bathroom at one of the local eateries here, I sat down to give back the lunch that I had rented. Half way through my evolution, the toilet flushed! I guess I had reached the bowl's limit. In doing so, the water not only sprayed all over my arse, but shot up out of the toilet between my legs. While this is mildly disgusting, I continued my evolution. Upon completion, I turned to flush the toilet, but it flushed before I could even stand upright...again a tidal wave of shitter water. After leaving the commode, I went to wash my hands (and possibly the backs of my thighs) but there were no knobs on the sink. Most of you are thinking...well why don't you just put your hands under it and wait for the water? I know, right? That is exactly what I did...but no water. I was running my hands back and forth like I was DJ Jazzy Jeff on the ones and twos...to no avail. I could only assume that this was a special Jedi bathroom...and my midichlorion levels were very low that day.

Being the smart guy that I am, I checked the water valve and lo and behold...it was turned off. Was there a motion sensor that made the valve turn on? Nay nay..plain old, tried and true knob. I turn the water on that proceed to wet my hands. I then look for the soap dispenser. It is hanging on the wall, but there is no button to push to get soap. I waved my hand beneath it and told it these weren't the hands he was looking for. Magically, the soap appeared in my hands. By this time, the water had stopped running, so I had to coax the water back out of the faucet. Finally, time to get some paper bags to dry my hands with...same thing, stupid motion sensor. So instead of a sheet or two to dry with, I am greeted by 4 feet of brown grocery bag. I reach up to pull it off and another 4 feet shoots out! I finally exit the bathroom (although this time, there was no sensor to open the door for me) and continue with my day.

I am all for modernization. Work smarter, not harder. But when it comes to dropping the kids off at the pool...taking the Browns to the Super Bowl...releasing the chocolate hostages...whatever you want to call it.....we all learned the procedure looooong ago. Stop screwing with simple things and get me my flying car from the Jetsons already! Until next time....Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

Douche in a Toque

Welcome back loyal readers! Let us start the new year off with a bang! Let me first say that I am a PC guy, but I do own an iPod and an iPhone. I am not a Microsoft whore, nor am I an Apple enthusiast, I judge each device on what it can do for me. I am not brand prejudice in many things, but I am a Verizon loyalist. Why do you care about any of this? Is it because I am the definition of cool and you want to be like me? Is it because I am a known trendsetter and you want to keep up with the latest and greatest? Is it because I am a pretentious prick that wants everyone to know everything about me? Nay nay... It is because I am once again about to complain, and I don't want you to think I have an ax to grind with my brand's competitors. So where does this bring us?

I bought an iPhone when Verizon made them available back in February of last year (no, really, there was no Killers reference intended there). Last month the earpiece decided to stop working. I don't know if it was sympathizing with the NBA owners, or what...but I did know that it didn't work. I got tired of using my speaker phone for every conversation, so I took the phone to Verizon (since it was under warranty still). After having to "sign in" at the Verizon store and wait 10 minutes (no one else was in the store) I explain what happened to my phone. They proceed to tell me that they are not authorized to do anything with the iPhone except sell it. Apple has to handle all problems directly. I am informed that I must go to the Apple store in Norfolk. Okay, no worries...it is off to the Apple store!

I drive to the Apple store (in the uppity people's mall) and walk in the door to a store LOADED with people. This is on a Friday afternoon around 2:00. I am greeted by a guy wearing a red shirt, khaki shorts, and sandals. This is odd since it was December 30th and about 38 degrees outside. Anyway... the guy tells me that I have to make an appointment because they are overloaded at the current time. I assume that we will be going to a desk with a computer (since that is all that is in this store is desks full of computers) so he can make me an appointment. But nay nay...I am told to download the Apple Store App from...wait for it...the App Store! I download the app and set myself an appointment for Tuesday morning at 10:00. There was nothing available before then.

Tuesday morning, I arrive at the uppity people's mall and "check in" for my appointment with the Apple Store app. While waiting, I see that the only people in the store are 80 year old grandparents sitting in a semicircle being taught how to use the new iPads they were given for Christmas. I am then sent a message to my phone alerting me that "Dan" is ready to help me at the Genius Bar. I walk up to the Genius Bar (which is a desk with a giant Mac on it) and ask for Dan, since he is ready to help me. Leslie tells me that she is not sure that Dan is working today. I begin to question the naming of this bar as irony. Finally, Dan comes walking out with his iPad in hand and scrolls through to find my name. Dan is wearing a red shirt, khaki shorts, sandals, and a toque! As I look around the rest of the store, I notice everyone is wearing toques! Dan asks what the problem is, I tell him that the earpiece no longer works. He says he has to take the phone in the back and determine if it is a software or hardware issue. I explain to him that I have done all of the troubleshooting, and it is a hardware issue. He then takes my phone in the back for 15 minutes. I can only assume that the Geniuses gathered round and held a quickening to determine my problem. He returns to tell me that it is a hardware issue! Really, douche in a toque? I told you that 15 minutes ago!

Dan then tells me that he will replace my phone on the spot...score one point for the Geniuses... too bad they are down 6-0 by this point. He pulls out the new phone and tells me that I have to connect it to one of the 500 computers in the store and log in to my Verizon account to activate it. I activate the phone without issue. He then tells me that I should log in to the Apple Store hotspot so that I can restore my phone settings. At this point, he asks if we are done. I tell him nay nay...I am not leaving until my phone is ready to use. I restore my phone and he asks again if we are finished, I say nay nay, douche in a toque, I need to make a phone call to ensure the earpiece works. I finally complete the visit and am asked to sign a receipt for the new phone. Is this pen and paper? Is this one of those credit card machines with a fake pen? Nay nay...it is his damned iPad and I am supposed to sign my name with my finger! I complete this, with way too much effort, and tell him I have a question for him. Where are your socks? He replies that it would be silly to wear socks with sandals...yet he does not think it silly to wear a toque with shorts IN THE MALL!

After much study and contemplation, I can only assume that Starbucks and Apple train their employees together so that they can be sent to either establishment. Pretentious Fuck University rolls them out qualified not only as Italian Bartenders, but as GENIUSES as well! Needless to say, this is one more establishment that I will avoid like the plague. So if you all have hours to kill, and are looking for the latest styles in toque fashion, please feel free to roll into the Apple store. If you have a problem with your iPhone, suck it up and pay the insurance deductible just to save your sanity! Until next time....Stay Salty!

-Salty Dog

You're A Mean One

Greetings all. Welcome back to this wonderful mess that is my thoughts on the screen. It is December, and the "holiday season" is in full swing. I don't say "holiday season" because I have a problem with saying Christmas, it is just that there are so many holidays in December. Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, my birthday....yeah, I know I am the only one to celebrate that last one, but it is still a holiday to me. So what brings me here today? Is it to talk about how much I hate Lil Wayne? Is it to discuss how awesome the Bob's Boneyard Podcast is? Is it to recommend Human Boom Boxes for Christmas presents? (you know, it's that thing where you put a midget on your shoulder and make him sing gangsta rap) Nay nay...what brings me here is the holiday season...and my hatred for it.

You tell someone that you hate Halloween, the 4th of July, or Arbor Day and no one blinks an eye. You tell them that you don't like Christmas and you may as well have just dropped a Cleveland Steamer on their chest! Let me start by saying that I love giving presents. I love seeing the happiness on people's faces when I give them a gift that they were not expecting. I also enjoy receiving presents..but who doesn't? What I don't like is that Christmas begins as soon as Halloween is over, and doesn't end until the New Year. I have no affinity for the Zombie Jebus, neither baby or adult. I don't like people. There is no qualifying statement there, I just don't like people. And when you put thousands of them in the store at the same time, I am ready to kill them. I also hate twice a year religious people. Easter and Christmas bring out all the fair weather religious nuts. People who could give two shits about any religion during the year feel the need to profess their love for Jebus and how they are upset that his birthday (or so some claim is his birthday) has been turned into a commercial holiday.

What else don't I like, you might ask? I don't like Christmas music. Too much of it seems contrived, especially any made after the 1970s. There are a few select songs that I enjoy; The Twelve Days of Christmas by Bob and Doug McKenzie Watch it Here I also like the theme to The Grinch. Aside from that, they are few and far between. I don't want to hear Christina Aguilera singing anything, let alone butchering Christmas songs. I don't like Holiday movies and television specials either. I don't want to see Menorah the Explorer (very special Chanukah edition), I don't want to see A Fish Called Kwanzaa, I only want the claymation classics. Rudolph, Frosty, Jack Frost, and the like..How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and Charlie Brown's Christmas. These are not acceptable for any reason except they remind me of my youth.

I also don't like decorating anything. My job is to put up the Christmas tree and run the lights. I am not expected to decorate it at all. I like watching the wife and kids decorate because it makes them happy. And them being happy makes me happy. I am not Ebenezer Scrooge, I don't get upset with others for enjoying the Christmas holiday. I also don't need this "season" to tell me to be kind to my fellow man. I am who I am year round. I don't get nicer around the holidays, I don't blow people off for the rest of the year either. If I pass someone on the sidewalk I say hello, or how you doin? If someone is entering a store around the same time as me, I will step aside and hold the door so that they can go first. I don't need the month of December to make me do these things.

Growing up with a birthday that is 10 days before Christmas may have soured me on the holiday because my birthday was always lumped in with it, I don't know. I don't spoil anyone else's holiday by being a curmudgeon, but I just don't like the season. So for all of you that genuinely enjoy Christmas....please continue to do so. For those that take the "good will toward men" thing and forget about it come New Year's Day..knock yourself out. When it is June 22 and I am still asking people how they are, and holding doors for old folks while you are cutting those same elderly off because they are too slow and holding you up....ask yourself, honestly, is it that I have no Christmas spirit? Or do I have it all year long and have no need for the month of December and its forced happiness? Enjoy your holidays, whichever one you celebrate, and until next time....Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog