Welcome back true believers! Today's topic is rage. Not your Bruce Banner transforming rage, not your Weapon X rage, not the early 90s video game Primal Rage, just plain old, run of the mill road rage. I don't usually care if someone cuts me off..hey, I have done it too. Usually when I do it, it means I wasn't paying attention to where I was and would have missed a turn if I didn't. Not claiming that I am in the right, but I understand such situations. What brings me to the point of posting today though, is the "I gotta get ahead because that lane looks like it is moving faster" guy.
In the greater Hampton Roads area (like many areas that you all inhabit) there are bridges and tunnels. The roads leading to these structures usually have multiple lanes. The left hand lane will usually lead to an off ramp away from the tunnel, the center may be a left or straight option, and the right lane is "Hey, I am going through the tunnel". If I know that I am going through said tunnel, I will position myself in the right hand lane as early as possible. I will sit in the traffic as long as it takes, because that is the lane that I am supposed to be in. The thing that pisses me off is the guy/girl that feels the need to ride the left or center lane as far as humanly possible before jutting their Hot Wheels car in front of me in the right lane. Add to the fact that they have an aluminum (for Terence,aluminium) spoiler tack welded to the rear of their firberglass rice burner which I can only assume is so that he can fly it like a kite.
I normally listen to ESPN radio, or the Mike and Bob show (local 96X DJs) while driving. This is the best for me because it keeps my rage down. When some jackass decides that he wants to disobey all traffic etiquette during my drive home, I switch to Five Finger Death Punch or music of the sort. Does this have a calming effect? Nay nay. This only fuels my rage further. Why do I do such things to myself? Who knows? Maybe it is to scare the punk in the rice burning kite that is trying to avoid looking at me in his rear view mirror. Maybe it is to help me vent some of that rage so I don't get out in traffic and club the driver like a baby seal.
These are the same assholes that feel the need to move from the center lane to the right lane in the middle of an intersection (directly in front of the sign proclaiming "Do Not Block Intersection $100 Fine"). You, being the intelligent driver, realize that there is not enough room for you to get through the light and still not block the intersection, so you wait. This jackass sees the opening and pushes his car at a 45 degree angle into that same "opening".
So what do we do with these people? I am accepting creative ideas on how to stop the stupidity and make the roads safe for the rest of us. I propose license revocation and only allowing them to travel by short bus. They should all be fitted with hockey helmets. Go above and beyond and get them all uniforms that say "ASSHOLE" with a serial number. I am for physical punishment for stupidity offenses as many of you may have read previously. Sound off true believers...let me here your ideas of how to punish these people! Tune in next time...same Salty time, same Salty channel!
-Salty Dog
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Olympics
Okay true believers, we took a brief time out at a mental rest stop, now it is time to get back on the road. Many of us are watching the 2010 Winter Olympic Games from Vancouver, BC. Is it because the games are exciting or is it because that is all that is on? Let us investigate some of these "sports" they are shoving down our throats.
Biathlon. Ski for 4 miles and then lay down (with skis on!) and shoot. Every target you miss, you are forced to ski a penalty lap. This is possibly the dumbest event I have ever watched. Luge. Cruising down a bobsled track at 90 mph with an ice skate in your ass. This is the second most insane event in the Olympics (skeleton is the same event except you are laying on your stomach). Curling. This is kind of like shuffleboard for younger people...and on ice. I will not bad mouth this event because for some strange reason, I find it entertaining.
The purpose of today's blog isn't to talk trash about the Winter Olympics, but to come up with some ideas for events that would be more fun to watch. It is all about television ratings in the end, isn't it? Let's come up with events that you would just HAVE to watch. First event? Snowball Fighting. All snowballs would be pre-made so that nations that don't normally see snow would not be at a disadvantage. The snowballs would be placed at the center of the field and teams would start at their own endline (comparable to dodgeball). When the whistle blows, teams would run to the center and retrieve their snowballs and fire away. Again, dodgeball rules would apply here; if you catch a snowball, the opponent is out. Last man standing's country moves on to the next round.
Next event? Extreme Snowblowing. Split a football field full of snow at the 50 yard line. This would be a relay event, each member responsible for 10 yards of snow. The key here is the rocks and assorted children's toys that would be placed under the snow. This would make the event authentic. Launch a Hot Wheels car at your opponent to slow them down. Jamming and restarting of your snowblower costs you time and causes more excitement.
Where do we go from there? Snowsuit Donning. Flashback to when you were a kid (especially those of us who grew up in the snow). We are talking full snowsuit here, from the moon boots with the Wonder bread bags inside (gotta waterproof your feet), to the snow pants with suspenders, t-shirt, sweatshirt, big ass coat, gloves, scarf, and ski mask. In order to be fully dressed in this event, you must have all the holes in the ski mask lined up properly. No noses in the mouth hole! Once fully dressed and inspected, you have to disrobe. Kicking your Moon Boots off and dislodging the Wonderbread bags is a 10 second penalty.
I am open to suggestions on other events, but some of the ones we are being forced to watch have to go. Once we establish an updated list of stuff that we want to see, we will start a petition and forward results to the President of the Olympic Committee. I propose we start now to have a shot at the next Winter Games. To quote Jim Bruer in Half Baked..."Who's comin with me, man?" Until next time, my faithful minions....
-Salty Dog
Biathlon. Ski for 4 miles and then lay down (with skis on!) and shoot. Every target you miss, you are forced to ski a penalty lap. This is possibly the dumbest event I have ever watched. Luge. Cruising down a bobsled track at 90 mph with an ice skate in your ass. This is the second most insane event in the Olympics (skeleton is the same event except you are laying on your stomach). Curling. This is kind of like shuffleboard for younger people...and on ice. I will not bad mouth this event because for some strange reason, I find it entertaining.
The purpose of today's blog isn't to talk trash about the Winter Olympics, but to come up with some ideas for events that would be more fun to watch. It is all about television ratings in the end, isn't it? Let's come up with events that you would just HAVE to watch. First event? Snowball Fighting. All snowballs would be pre-made so that nations that don't normally see snow would not be at a disadvantage. The snowballs would be placed at the center of the field and teams would start at their own endline (comparable to dodgeball). When the whistle blows, teams would run to the center and retrieve their snowballs and fire away. Again, dodgeball rules would apply here; if you catch a snowball, the opponent is out. Last man standing's country moves on to the next round.
Next event? Extreme Snowblowing. Split a football field full of snow at the 50 yard line. This would be a relay event, each member responsible for 10 yards of snow. The key here is the rocks and assorted children's toys that would be placed under the snow. This would make the event authentic. Launch a Hot Wheels car at your opponent to slow them down. Jamming and restarting of your snowblower costs you time and causes more excitement.
Where do we go from there? Snowsuit Donning. Flashback to when you were a kid (especially those of us who grew up in the snow). We are talking full snowsuit here, from the moon boots with the Wonder bread bags inside (gotta waterproof your feet), to the snow pants with suspenders, t-shirt, sweatshirt, big ass coat, gloves, scarf, and ski mask. In order to be fully dressed in this event, you must have all the holes in the ski mask lined up properly. No noses in the mouth hole! Once fully dressed and inspected, you have to disrobe. Kicking your Moon Boots off and dislodging the Wonderbread bags is a 10 second penalty.
I am open to suggestions on other events, but some of the ones we are being forced to watch have to go. Once we establish an updated list of stuff that we want to see, we will start a petition and forward results to the President of the Olympic Committee. I propose we start now to have a shot at the next Winter Games. To quote Jim Bruer in Half Baked..."Who's comin with me, man?" Until next time, my faithful minions....
-Salty Dog
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Life Worth Living
Greetings true believers! We have pulled the ride over for a bathroom break. For those of you who come here for your weekly dose of anger and entertainment, prepare to be disappointed. Today I would like to discuss something that, in the past I have been warned not to. My wife.
With Valentine's Day upon us, I am surrounded by love. I am not only surrounded because of what is on the television and radio, but also in my life. For many who have known me forever, they will attest that my life (the first 20 years of it or so) was lived for me. This may sound like a normal thing, but let me explain further.
I was a very uncaring individual. This is part of where my emotional crippling stems. I had friends...I would like to think more than a fair share. I had girlfriends. I had acquaintances. The one person I cared about most though, was myself. I did many things in my early days that hurt a good many people. Whether it was physically or emotionally, it was still my actions that caused the pain. The major problem with this was, unlike your average individual, I didn't care. I got people in trouble for things that I did and my only reaction was relief that I was not punished for it. I was what can only be referred to as a petty thief. If I saw things that I wanted, I would take them. Did I care what the owner's of these possessions felt when they found their items missing? Nay. Did I care how hard they had to work to attain them? Again, I say nay. I was out for number one, and that is all that mattered. People in my life passed away during those first 20 years and I didn't shed a tear. Was it because I did not care that they had died? No, it was because I thought that showing emotion was a sign of weakness and number one was not weak. Yes, true believers, your humble narrator was an asshole.
What does any of this have to do with my lovely wife you may be asking? Well, she is the one that saved my life and made it worth living. My parents have told me in the past that Ryanne was the best thing that ever happened to me. I completely agree with them. Since being married (going on 16 years now) my life has changed drastically. She has shown me that there are things more important in this world than me. I have learned that showing emotion, in whatever form, is a show of strength vice weakness. It is a strong man that can cry at the birth of his child. To be able to look into his wife's eyes and smile just knowing that she is there for him. I am now 38 years old, married to the greatest woman alive, and the father of two wonderful boys. My wife is the anchor of my family. I wonder at times, where would I be if she hadn't come into my life. These are not happy places to go in my mind. Let me take you on a journey of my thoughts....
I am sure that I would not be married. I am sure that I would not have children. I am almost positive that I would be in jail somewhere. I would not have the friends that I do today because I would have alienated them in one shape or form. I would probably not be speaking to my father (who I have a great relationship with now). Those of you who grew up with me know that is no small thing, for he and I did not EVER see eye to eye. None of these situations are ones that I would want to be in, but am sure that I would have been had it not been for my loving wife.
As the days of my life turn into nights, I can think of no other person that I would like to spend them with. Those of you who have known me in the past and are still talking with me today should thank my wife for whatever I have become. I am what I am because of her, and do not know what I would ever do without her. So, on this day before St. Valentine's Day, I want to thank her for making my life worth living.
-Salty Dog
With Valentine's Day upon us, I am surrounded by love. I am not only surrounded because of what is on the television and radio, but also in my life. For many who have known me forever, they will attest that my life (the first 20 years of it or so) was lived for me. This may sound like a normal thing, but let me explain further.
I was a very uncaring individual. This is part of where my emotional crippling stems. I had friends...I would like to think more than a fair share. I had girlfriends. I had acquaintances. The one person I cared about most though, was myself. I did many things in my early days that hurt a good many people. Whether it was physically or emotionally, it was still my actions that caused the pain. The major problem with this was, unlike your average individual, I didn't care. I got people in trouble for things that I did and my only reaction was relief that I was not punished for it. I was what can only be referred to as a petty thief. If I saw things that I wanted, I would take them. Did I care what the owner's of these possessions felt when they found their items missing? Nay. Did I care how hard they had to work to attain them? Again, I say nay. I was out for number one, and that is all that mattered. People in my life passed away during those first 20 years and I didn't shed a tear. Was it because I did not care that they had died? No, it was because I thought that showing emotion was a sign of weakness and number one was not weak. Yes, true believers, your humble narrator was an asshole.
What does any of this have to do with my lovely wife you may be asking? Well, she is the one that saved my life and made it worth living. My parents have told me in the past that Ryanne was the best thing that ever happened to me. I completely agree with them. Since being married (going on 16 years now) my life has changed drastically. She has shown me that there are things more important in this world than me. I have learned that showing emotion, in whatever form, is a show of strength vice weakness. It is a strong man that can cry at the birth of his child. To be able to look into his wife's eyes and smile just knowing that she is there for him. I am now 38 years old, married to the greatest woman alive, and the father of two wonderful boys. My wife is the anchor of my family. I wonder at times, where would I be if she hadn't come into my life. These are not happy places to go in my mind. Let me take you on a journey of my thoughts....
I am sure that I would not be married. I am sure that I would not have children. I am almost positive that I would be in jail somewhere. I would not have the friends that I do today because I would have alienated them in one shape or form. I would probably not be speaking to my father (who I have a great relationship with now). Those of you who grew up with me know that is no small thing, for he and I did not EVER see eye to eye. None of these situations are ones that I would want to be in, but am sure that I would have been had it not been for my loving wife.
As the days of my life turn into nights, I can think of no other person that I would like to spend them with. Those of you who have known me in the past and are still talking with me today should thank my wife for whatever I have become. I am what I am because of her, and do not know what I would ever do without her. So, on this day before St. Valentine's Day, I want to thank her for making my life worth living.
-Salty Dog
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
