Here I Come To Save The Day!

Welcome back, true believers. For those of you who have been following me for the past year, you heard about the Virginia Beach Ninja. There are strange people out there, and there is nothing we can do about it. But what is this? Up in the sky...it's a bird...it's a plane..it's...some dumbass that thinks he's a superhero! Am I kidding? Nay nay, I wish I were. I am here to tell you that this is real, and it is happening all over our fine country.

 

Who is this fine citizen? This is Cincinnati Police Force's greatest ally...Shadow Hare (the one on the left). The leader of "The Allegiance of Heroes" is a 21 year old from Ohio who is out for truth and justice on the mean Cincinnati streets. They stop crimes in progress (usually escaping with minor injuries) and perform citizen's arrests when warranted. Shadow Hare is a real life superhero.

Cruising out to the left coast brings us to the man with the plan..the leader of the Xtreme Justice League (I am sure there is a copyright infringement case in there somewhere)...the pride of San Diego...Mr. Xtreme. Mr. Xtreme is out for truth, justice, and a mean game of Dungeons and Dragons! He is armed with pepper spray, the "Double Trouble Stun Gun", and multiple cell phones. He sounds like he is ready for anything, this guy! Mr. Xtreme is currently on the hunt of a serial groper in the Chula Vista area. It is about time somebody got out there and brought all of those serial gropers to justice!

I am not knocking these guys for wanting to be a productive member of society...or for wanting to aide the local police force in any way that they can. What I am getting on them for is letting their Live Action Role Playing game to get out of hand. These guys are going to jump out on the wrong guy one night and he is going to test their "super powers". What happens then? Are they faster than a speeding bullet? When one of them ends up on the ground with a sucking chest wound, what do the police do then? What do they tell the "Superhero's" parents? "Yeah, I knew your son was going to get himself shot one day doing that stupid shit, but I figured when that day came that he would learn his lesson." Let's seriously regulate these D&D games, the Magic: The Gathering games, The...whatever the hell else geeks are doing these days to avoid their real lives in their mother's basement. Things have gotten out of hand people. To find the local "Superhero" in your area (oh yes, they are everywhere) check this page Real Life Weirdo Registry.

Okay, maybe I am jealous because I wanted to grow up to be the next Batman. Life didn't throw me a Bruce Wayne fortune, but that is no reason to hate on these guys. Actually, I don't think I am mad at them..this is kind of like the People of Walmart page...it is fun to look at, knowing that you aren't one of them. If any of you HAVE seen yourself on People of Walmart...I apologize. So...until next time Stay Salty...same Salty Time... Same Salty channel!

-Salty Dog

Run Faster, Jump Higher

Welcome back kiddies. I am here today to discuss with you the topic of energy drinks. I consider myself an expert in the subject, because over the years I think I have tried just about every energy drink that came to my area. I have tried them in other countries as well (one of my favorites was in Turkey...but made in the Netherlands...it was called Red Devil). They fill a need in America more than anywhere else. The need to run faster, jump higher, get more done in the same amount of time....29 hours of work in a 24 hour day. The land of milk and honey is now the land of Guarana and Taurine.

The first energy drink that I remember was Jolt Cola. It wasn't labeled as an "energy drink" back in the 80s, nay nay...it was just soda. But it was a special soda with "all the sugar and twice the caffeine". This was their actual marketing campaign! Do you know what though? It worked. People all over the place bought Jolt Cola. They bought it in bottles, cans, two liters...and the ever popular THREE LITER bottles. Jolt Cola tasted like 12 buckets of smashed ass holes. You damned near had to chew it, it was that thick. But screw the world...we drank it, and we liked it! We loved it! Then, just as quickly as it arrived, it was gone. Jolt came under such scrutiny that they had to take it off the shelves and go underground.

Red Bull....gives you wings, right? This is the number one selling energy drink in the United States. It has been the number one seller since it hit the market. How is this possible when it tastes like sucking on a set of wet car keys? Is it the awesome commercials? Nay nay. They were the first ones in the new energy drink market, and they were the first ones in the bars and clubs. This means Red Bull and Vodka were a logical choice... and their reputation was solidified. The mixing of a stimulant and a depressant is always a good choice...no, that's right, it isn't.

The main ingredient in these drinks is sugar. We all know what sugar will do for you. The next is caffeine. We know that caffeine will speed you up a bit...depending on your tolerance. Then we get into the world of stuff that no one knows what the hell it is or does, but the more of these you see on an energy drink label, the more apt people are to buy them. Taurine. What in the blue hell is Taurine, and what does it do? Taurine is an amino acid that supports neurological development and helps regulate the level of water and mineral salts in the blood. Taurine is also thought to have antioxidant properties. What purpose does that have in an energy drink? Absolutely none! Just like Creatine and Ginko. The minute amounts that actually go into each can makes no impact on the consumer, whatsoever.

Why do we drink them. I will say "we" because to this day, I continue to waste my money on these stupid products. I can say it is for research purposes, so that I can share with you guys...but it is honestly because I am trying to find one that works. When I was a kid, I drank Jolt....and it worked. Jolt spun me like a top. So as I stroll the aisles of my local convenience store....I see it. It has made its triumphant return. Jolt! Is it in two and three liter bottles? Nay nay...Jolt has reinvented itself as Jolt Energy Drink. Not only do they have the original 12 buckets of smashed ass hole flavor, but now they have orange, grape, and blue raspberry. Blue raspberry....remember snow cones (or Slush Puppies for my New York followers)? Remember the blue one, and how good it was to just drink the syrup after it had melted? Add carbonation and put it in a can, kiddies, and you have the new Jolt Blue Bolt.

So the energy drink world has come full circle. The originator....well before its time...has returned. If you want to relive your childhood, go grab a Jolt Cola flavored energy drink. My one request...as I mention childhood.. please stop letting your kids drink this shit. As I said, a lot of what goes into them hasn't been proven to do anything....but it hasn't been proven NOT to either. Guarana has been known to cause rapid heart beat....don't let your 12 year old slug a few Monsters because they think it's cool. Step up and be a parent. Sorry, didn't mean to get all high and mighty there. Hard to do as I am drinking a Jolt Wired Grape while writing this. So since I am looking for feedback (mostly to confirm that anyone is still reading).... what is your favorite energy drink? Do you let your kids drink them? What is the dumbest thing you have done after drinking them? For your Jolt recipes please see http://www.joltenergy.com/concoctions.html  Until next time....Stay Salty.

-Salty Dog

I Can't Stands No More!

Okay...let us first admit that what happened in Arizona was a great tragedy. Let us also admit that Jared Lee Loughner is a giant douche that deserves to be punished for his actions to the fullest extent of the law. Now that we have the disclaimers out of the way, let me tell you why I am here today. It isn't about the stupid whack job that decided to go on a shooting spree, I think he is getting way too much press as it is. Nay nay...this is about the rest of the world....well, the part of the world that has been brainwashed by religion...and the excuses that they are making for him.

What the hell am I talking about? Let me start with Facebook. Many of my religious friends (yes, I can be friends with "those people") keep pointing out this stupid New York Daily News article about this turd and his "Satanic Shrine". Number one....let me tell you ALL...there is absolutely NOTHING Satanic about his "shrine".

What in this picture could be considered "Satanic"? Is it the potting soil? Is it the candles? Is it the plant pot? Nay nay...it must be the human skull! The fact that the skull looks like it was purchased at the Dollar Store around Halloween is beside the point. This is the photo that has stirred all of the "Satanic" controversy. Does this photo scare you? Does this look like something Satanic? Minus the Dollar Store skull, this could be in any of your back yards. Hell....this probably IS in Melanie's back yard!

Let me give you a quick lesson on Satanism. Number one...Satanists do not believe in "Satan" as an entity any more than they believe in "God". There is no worship of the Devil as you know it. This is a common misconception and I will not fault you for thinking that this was true. Satanists do not believe in human sacrifice (as you may have thought they did). Satanists are very much....Humanists. The only reason that Christianity hasn't taken Satanic rites as their own, is that Satanism started so late. Christianity swallowed many Pagan religions by adapting pieces of their customs in order to convert their followers. Altars, wine (blood), exorcism, ascension....the list goes on. These are all elements of past Pagan religions that you find in current Christian belief. But enough of that.

The fact that everyone is saying that this guy is a Satanist disturbs me. What this guy is....is an ass hole. They are trying to say that he is mentally ill. Nay nay...he is a fuck stick. The pushing of this "mentally ill" angle is going to keep him well cared for, for the rest of his life. He will be found guilty of murder and placed in a mental hospital until he dies of old age. If he is found mentally ill, it is illegal to give him the death penalty. Let us just say that he is an idiot and put him to death. Alright...enough. I have stands all I can stands, and I can't stands no more! Stop calling this guy a Satanist, stop calling him mentally ill, just call him what he is....a future death row inmate. Until next time.....Stay Salty!