Will Buy Your Stolen Shit

Welcome back kiddies! I know that my writing has slowed a bit since I have been retired. One would think that my blogs would increase in frequency since I don't have to go to work anymore. But (you guessed it) nay nay. I have been busy around the house with this and that. I did happen to venture out today for awhile though. As I was driving, I looked to my left...and what to my wondering eyes should appear? The focus of today's blog!

Pawn shops are wonderful things. They help out people who need money fast and have a bunch of stuff that they really don't need. They are a great place to pick up stuff for cheap. And they are an excellent place for your average, run of the mill thief or crackhead to make a quick buck. This last part may be news to some of you, but I have seen it happen. Anytime you walk into a pawn shop (which I highly recommend on your next vacation) and you happen to see a new Blu-ray or PS3 game on the shelf and it is still in the original packaging.....crack heads stole these products and pawned them for a couple of bucks. This is your chance to clean up! But anyway...

What was it that I saw? Was it just another pawn shop? I say nay nay! I saw a 24 hour pawn shop. Pawn shops keep strict hours, tight security, video cameras, the works. A 24 hour pawn shop is basically telling the world, "Hey, we are open all night so that we can buy your stolen shit right after you get it!" There is no other reason to be a 24 hour pawn shop. I have never woken up at 3 in the morning thinking, "You know what? I could really use a few bucks, and I don't really use my microwave anyway...". 24 hour ATM? Sure....who knows when you will need money. 24 hour convenience store? Great...those stores have EVERYTHING. 24 hour Taco Bell....I am on board. But a 24 hour pawn shop is about as relevant as a 24 hour IRS office. No one will be at these locations except criminals.

I believe this pawn shop was actually started by the police so that they can just pick off the thieves and crack heads without having to track them down days after the fact. If the cops DIDN'T start this business, then they should have. At a minimum they should just sit outside and watch the clientele and snatch them up as they walk out. No one is pawning their own stuff at 2 a.m.

That is the strangest business I think I have ever seen. Who can top it? Find me a stranger (legitimate) business than a 24 hour pawn shop (and no...the Catholic Church doesn't count). Until next time readers.....Stay Salty.

Planet Bling

Welcome back true believers! While reading the news of the weird (some of you may know it as BBC News) I found myself something to write about. I have the time to just sit around and read BBC News, because unlike most of you...I am retired! Not rubbing that in or anything...well maybe a little bit. Anyway...50 light years away from our little home here is a white dwarf known as "Lucy". "Why would anyone name a white dwarf Lucy?", you may ask. Is it because she is a little version of Lucille Ball? I say nay nay. The star is named after the Beatles song "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds". Let us explore why....

The giant star has an interior made mostly of carbon, and it is constantly pulsating. Which means that the core is now the largest diamond in the world. How far are we away from Young Jeezy or Lil Weezy (who incidentally were named after their mother Weezy Jeezy...better known as Weezy Jefferson...nod to Bill) writing a song about Planet Bling? Excuse me while I beat them to the punch.

Planet Bling

Look up in the sky,

What is that thing?,

don't you know y'all

that's Planet Bling!

Got my whip in the shop,

that's gonna cause me trouble,

on how to get to Planet Bling,

guess I need a space shuttle,

Gonna bring my mining gear,

like Armageddon with Affleck,

get a chunk of that diamond,

and wear it round my neck,

Okay, that is enough...don't want to give you too much before it hits the streets. I guess the point of all this mess is...who cares about a burnt out sun that is 5 light years away from us? Ooooh, now we know that when our sun burns out in a couple million years, that it too will have a giant diamond at its core. Who cares? People who are getting paid way too much money to study stuff like this. These are the same people that pissed me off when they kicked Pluto out of the planet club. Somewhere right now, there is a Kardashian sister trying to get their boyfriend to buy them this planet so that they can have it made into a ring. So, what do we do about Planet Bling? I say we ignore it...at least until my song comes out! Until next time...Stay Salty.

101 Uses For Fat

Welcome back true believers. In my semi retired state, I have had a lot of extra time on my hands. With extra time, comes lots of news. News on television, news in paper form, and news on the google machine. What I have been seeing a lot of lately is the status of "Fat America". Myself, I just consider this as part of the "land of milk and honey". If you want to be fat...be fat! Afterall....fat is the new 30! As many of you know, I was overly skinny in my younger days. I mean TOO skinny...but no worries, I have made up for that over the years. I know that there are many of you out there thinking the same thing. It is your right to get as fat as you want, or not to (don't want to alienate the skinny folks). What the hell am I rattling about now, you might ask?

Fat Americans are becoming geniuses! What I am about to share with you all may seem like it conflicts with what I just said...but that is only because the story takes place in Edmond, Oklahoma. Yes, Terence, just an hour and a half's tractor ride away from you! Two women were arrested for shoplifting and police say they used their bodies to conceal the goods. Edmond police authorities say it was at the Edmond TJ Maxx that loss prevention officers found the duo stuffing items under their belly fat and breasts. Now this, in itself should be disturbing enough...but wait...there's more!

What could be more disturbing than trying to steal things from a store by jamming them under your gut fat? Is it the fact that this was possible at all? Nay nay...it is WHAT they tried to steal! They say they took four pair of boots, three pair of jeans, a wallet and gloves; $2,600 worth of store merchandise. How huge would these women have had to be to hide four pair of boots under their belly fat???? Let alone three pair of jeans! These are not small items, people! How in the blue hell do you even come up with this idea, let alone think that you could carry out that much bulk without being noticed? Is it an Oklahoma thing? Is it a sense of entitlement? Is it 101 uses for fat? Someone PLEASE tell me how someone could think that this would work? It won't be the two women in O-klahoma....they are busy going to jail.


Fat America is okay with me...it is Idiot America that I can't stand. It is not okay to laugh at fat people...but it sure is fun to laugh at fat STUPID people! Laughs are on me today, everyone...just do me one favor...Stay the hell away from O-klahoma! Until next time...Stay Salty.